You say you'll forgive and trust again.
But it will not happen.
You'll always be suspicious.
12.27.2010
122710 0912
There really is a love so good it hurts.
But it is not any good for either person involved.
The screaming and the fighting,
It was all so sickly pleasing.
You get addicted to it.
Nobody will understand until they have it.
And when you don't,
You'll be happy, yes.
But sometimes, secretly,
In the back of your mind,
You'll yearn for it.
But it is not any good for either person involved.
The screaming and the fighting,
It was all so sickly pleasing.
You get addicted to it.
Nobody will understand until they have it.
And when you don't,
You'll be happy, yes.
But sometimes, secretly,
In the back of your mind,
You'll yearn for it.
122710 0909
I'm not sure that there's ever
Been a person more prone to destructive behavior than you.
Been a person more prone to destructive behavior than you.
122710 0908
I wonder,
Do you stop as much as I do?
To remember?
I stop all the time,
Dead in my tracks,
So remembering a promise,
Or an argument.
I don't want to forget.
I want to remember,
I never make the same mistakes again.
12.14.2010
12.12.2010
12810 2012
I really do not feel well.
I want to go to sleep.
But I need to do my homework.
I said I wouldn't wait up,
But of course I am.
I want to go to sleep.
But I need to do my homework.
I said I wouldn't wait up,
But of course I am.
12810 2011
That was probably the first time
Someone stuck up for me
When someone else called me a whore.
The very first time.
Which is really sad.
That's probably the first time a boy stood up for me as well,
And he isn't my boyfriend.
Someone stuck up for me
When someone else called me a whore.
The very first time.
Which is really sad.
That's probably the first time a boy stood up for me as well,
And he isn't my boyfriend.
12510 0054
Oh God, please,
We're doing it right,
We're doing it as right as we can,
Please don't let things change.
Please, God, please.
We're doing it right,
We're doing it as right as we can,
Please don't let things change.
Please, God, please.
112810 0009
I feel at home with you.
I am very fond of your mother.
She is how my mom should be.
I am fond of Shawn,
I suppose.
I am fond of Colby,
Although he is very annoying.
And of course there is you.
When I walk into a strange room,
And you're by my side,
I feel completely confident.
It's nice.
You make everywhere we go easy.
You are my super hero.
I am very fond of your mother.
She is how my mom should be.
I am fond of Shawn,
I suppose.
I am fond of Colby,
Although he is very annoying.
And of course there is you.
When I walk into a strange room,
And you're by my side,
I feel completely confident.
It's nice.
You make everywhere we go easy.
You are my super hero.
112010 0352
The Bucket List was a good movie,
But it left me horribly frightened.
What if I lose my husband,
What if he forgets what it feels like to hold my hand every time we walked down the street?
Someone I had a future with forgot how that felt in one year.
How can I trust anyone else with the rest of my life?
But it left me horribly frightened.
What if I lose my husband,
What if he forgets what it feels like to hold my hand every time we walked down the street?
Someone I had a future with forgot how that felt in one year.
How can I trust anyone else with the rest of my life?
112010 0350
I hate you.
And my hate for you
Is just as passionate,
And strong,
And breathtaking,
As my love for you was.
As my love for you still is,
In its very own sick manifestation.
And my hate for you
Is just as passionate,
And strong,
And breathtaking,
As my love for you was.
As my love for you still is,
In its very own sick manifestation.
11.27.2010
112810 000
You promised me the stars,
And it was bittersweet.
I love seeing a future with you,
But you are making the same promises as he did.
And I can't help but worry.
And it was bittersweet.
I love seeing a future with you,
But you are making the same promises as he did.
And I can't help but worry.
11.11.2010
111110 0203
I want to be skinny.
Too skinny.
So skinny most of my bones show.
I want to have razor sharp hip bones,
And I want my vertebrae to show.
I want my knees to be knobby,
And my fingers to be slender and pale.
I want to just rip all my skin and fat off,
And just be a walking skeleton.
I'm so tired of being heavy.
I want to cut off all this weight.
I feel so damn ugly.
I'm gonna lose 36 pounds.
No matter what it takes.
Too skinny.
So skinny most of my bones show.
I want to have razor sharp hip bones,
And I want my vertebrae to show.
I want my knees to be knobby,
And my fingers to be slender and pale.
I want to just rip all my skin and fat off,
And just be a walking skeleton.
I'm so tired of being heavy.
I want to cut off all this weight.
I feel so damn ugly.
I'm gonna lose 36 pounds.
No matter what it takes.
11.08.2010
11610 0331
I was terrified,
And I wanted to say it for at least...
20 minutes before I actually did.
I didn't want to scare you,
Or push you away.
I've never had someone willing to be romantic.
So it's hard for me to be seriously romantic,
Or even exchange simple true statements that are hardly romantic.
The only thing I'm used to saying is 'I love you,'
And I fear I overuse that as it is.
You take my breath away.
You really do.
And I wanted to say it for at least...
20 minutes before I actually did.
I didn't want to scare you,
Or push you away.
I've never had someone willing to be romantic.
So it's hard for me to be seriously romantic,
Or even exchange simple true statements that are hardly romantic.
The only thing I'm used to saying is 'I love you,'
And I fear I overuse that as it is.
You take my breath away.
You really do.
11610 0327
It's the way you stand in a doorway,
Or turn to look at me and smile.
It's the way you know exactly how to kiss me,
Or the way your arms move when you walk.
It's the way your face changes when mine does,
Or the way your eyes dilate out of nowhere.
It's the way you listen to me talk nonsense,
Or the way you know when I need a hand on my back.
It's the way you chuckle when I'm being funny,
Or the way you tell me, "You're so beautiful."
It's always something something you're doing,
Or something you're saying.
It's all of this.
And then some-
Then some that I can not put into words.
Or turn to look at me and smile.
It's the way you know exactly how to kiss me,
Or the way your arms move when you walk.
It's the way your face changes when mine does,
Or the way your eyes dilate out of nowhere.
It's the way you listen to me talk nonsense,
Or the way you know when I need a hand on my back.
It's the way you chuckle when I'm being funny,
Or the way you tell me, "You're so beautiful."
It's always something something you're doing,
Or something you're saying.
It's all of this.
And then some-
Then some that I can not put into words.
11610 0309
You have a bit of curly hair at the very tip of your widow's peak. You have an indent in the middle of your bottom lip. You have an indent in the right side of your nose, from my point of view. Your hair is lightest underneath. You always have one spot of mustache stubble. Sometimes your left eye is more closed than your right eye. You have more smile lines than worry lines. Your smile lines remind me of the joker. The pores on your nose could use some cleaning, but so could mine. You will have heavy eyelids when you're an old man. You never let your nails get long. You have a slight unibrow- but so do I. You only have one worry line across your forehead. You have a spot of gold in your right iris. Your chin stubble is peppered with blonde and brown hairs. You don't have skin problems. You have a funny nose, but that's one of the things I like most about your face. Your hair is very thick and coarse. You are amazing.
11610 0304
I have been crying for two hours.
Endlessly.
Soft big rolling tears,
And streaming tears
That made my nose run.
I was Finding Alaska.
How shall I get out of this labyrinth?
Endlessly.
Soft big rolling tears,
And streaming tears
That made my nose run.
I was Finding Alaska.
How shall I get out of this labyrinth?
11510 0012
I need to stop thinking about it.
I know that I am not.
And when it does not happen,
If I continue to think these thoughts,
I will be as disappointed,
And as distressed as I was
Back in April.
I know that I am not.
And when it does not happen,
If I continue to think these thoughts,
I will be as disappointed,
And as distressed as I was
Back in April.
11510 0002
In my psychology class book,
They say it is normal
To look back on something,
And think,
"Wow. Should have seen that coming. I am stupid."
When it was impossible to have seen that coming,
When you were not stupid at all.
This eases my heart.
I feel better about being so gullible.
They say it is normal
To look back on something,
And think,
"Wow. Should have seen that coming. I am stupid."
When it was impossible to have seen that coming,
When you were not stupid at all.
This eases my heart.
I feel better about being so gullible.
11510 0003
I told myself
I'd always have good judgement.
It is odd to look back and see
What a typical teenage girl I have been.
I'd always have good judgement.
It is odd to look back and see
What a typical teenage girl I have been.
11510 0000
Part of myself
Aches.
And cries,
And moans,
And squirms,
And screams,
And yearns.
But most of myself
Shines,
And smiles,
And sings.
And has hope.
I am better now.
Aches.
And cries,
And moans,
And squirms,
And screams,
And yearns.
But most of myself
Shines,
And smiles,
And sings.
And has hope.
I am better now.
11.06.2010
11610 0305
My heart is throbbing,
My body is sore,
My eyes feel full,
And my nose feels plugged.
I can only breathe through
My left nostril.
But your scent is swimming
In every breath I take.
My body is sore,
My eyes feel full,
And my nose feels plugged.
I can only breathe through
My left nostril.
But your scent is swimming
In every breath I take.
11.04.2010
11410 1636
Maybe I need to stop
Writing the stories.
Maybe I need to let
The stories be about me for a change.
Writing the stories.
Maybe I need to let
The stories be about me for a change.
11.01.2010
103110 105
I glow in your presence.
My body responds to every move you make.
I am all too aware of my heart these days.
My body responds to every move you make.
I am all too aware of my heart these days.
102810 048
I like how the night feels
With dimmed lights
And light, barely audible jazzy music.
I like to sip my tea,
Sit up slightly in bed,
Reflect on my life,
Cry if I need to,
Cringe at embarrassing things,
And smile occasionally.
Tonight is just a thick night.
Even the air is heavy in my chest.
Or maybe I'm just sleepy.
With dimmed lights
And light, barely audible jazzy music.
I like to sip my tea,
Sit up slightly in bed,
Reflect on my life,
Cry if I need to,
Cringe at embarrassing things,
And smile occasionally.
Tonight is just a thick night.
Even the air is heavy in my chest.
Or maybe I'm just sleepy.
102610 103
I didn't leave you because I fell out of love with you.
I don't think people realize that.
I still loved you for so long.
But I knew I would never be as happy as I could be with you.
People don't put that into the equation.
I was addicted to you,
You were my favorite drug,
And sometimes,
I feel self destructive enough
To actually let myself think about you.
I don't think people realize that.
I still loved you for so long.
But I knew I would never be as happy as I could be with you.
People don't put that into the equation.
I was addicted to you,
You were my favorite drug,
And sometimes,
I feel self destructive enough
To actually let myself think about you.
102510 040
I am not certain what you could call me.
It makes no sense,
That I am this empty.
I am fine when I am distracted.
Showering or night time are nightmares.
Is this depression?
There is no reason for you to be here.
Go away.
I have no reason to be sad.
It makes no sense,
That I am this empty.
I am fine when I am distracted.
Showering or night time are nightmares.
Is this depression?
There is no reason for you to be here.
Go away.
I have no reason to be sad.
101810 106
There is a certain beauty
In the way the back of my neck,
Or my cheek,
Or the small of my back
Fits the palm of your hand.
There is just a certain beauty,
In the way
I feel myself moving around you.
In the way the back of my neck,
Or my cheek,
Or the small of my back
Fits the palm of your hand.
There is just a certain beauty,
In the way
I feel myself moving around you.
101810 104
I stay up way too late,
Listening.
Breathing.
In out
In out
In out
In...
Hold.
It's just the animals.
Listening.
Breathing.
In out
In out
In out
In...
Hold.
It's just the animals.
101810 048
I don't know what to do anymore.
My family might be moving,
After I walk the stage...
My dad'll be gone all week
Every week.
(As a last resort.)
I'm being forced to grow up.
I am scared shitless.
My family might be moving,
After I walk the stage...
My dad'll be gone all week
Every week.
(As a last resort.)
I'm being forced to grow up.
I am scared shitless.
10.27.2010
102810 052
You know, for the longest time,
I felt like you were all
I had ever known.
I was so intent on remembering,
I didn't realize that eventually,
I'd be who I am now.
And I'll feel like you were just another person.
I barely remember things from our relationship.
A year isn't that long.
I felt like you were all
I had ever known.
I was so intent on remembering,
I didn't realize that eventually,
I'd be who I am now.
And I'll feel like you were just another person.
I barely remember things from our relationship.
A year isn't that long.
102810 051
I look back and wonder,
How was I that gullible.
I also look back and wonder,
How were you that convincing?
I was only sixteen.
Who are you?
10.24.2010
102510 024
It feels so weird,
Having someone else's hands on me.
Not bad.
But just different.
You can feel the different intentions
With each touch,
Though physically they were the same.
I play through each one,
And this latest one has left me glowing.
I close my eyes and remember,
Replay,
And wonder what I was thinking before.
Selfishness is never good in making love.
It should never be an ingredient.
Having someone else's hands on me.
Not bad.
But just different.
You can feel the different intentions
With each touch,
Though physically they were the same.
I play through each one,
And this latest one has left me glowing.
I close my eyes and remember,
Replay,
And wonder what I was thinking before.
Selfishness is never good in making love.
It should never be an ingredient.
10.17.2010
101810 045
I liked The O.C. so much
Because it gave me problems
I could turn off with the push of a button.
Problems sometimes I wish I had.
Ryan had an alcoholic mom
And got a second chance at a great life.
He left her behind,
And I was wishing I could do the same.
Because it gave me problems
I could turn off with the push of a button.
Problems sometimes I wish I had.
Ryan had an alcoholic mom
And got a second chance at a great life.
He left her behind,
And I was wishing I could do the same.
10.16.2010
101310 2326
It's this part-
The opening up part
That I'm bad at.
You see,
I've only been through this once.
So I am going to need
You to be patient with me.
The opening up part
That I'm bad at.
You see,
I've only been through this once.
So I am going to need
You to be patient with me.
101210 2335
I always feel so special
When little kids like me.
It's like God telling me
Yes,
You're made for this.
I can't wait to have my little girl.
I can't wait to share a heartbeat with her.
I may not be very ambitious-
If you asked me what I wanted to be,
I'd say mother.
But being a mother is all I ever need to be.
When little kids like me.
It's like God telling me
Yes,
You're made for this.
I can't wait to have my little girl.
I can't wait to share a heartbeat with her.
I may not be very ambitious-
If you asked me what I wanted to be,
I'd say mother.
But being a mother is all I ever need to be.
101210 2334
If it ends up
That I cannot bear children,
All my life until then
Will have been a waste.
A barren woman is worth
Absolutely nothing.
That I cannot bear children,
All my life until then
Will have been a waste.
A barren woman is worth
Absolutely nothing.
101210 2332
I hate that you make me wish
You'd met him first.
Cause he's everything you needed in your ex boyfriend.
I hate that you make me feel guilty
For being so happy.
You'd met him first.
Cause he's everything you needed in your ex boyfriend.
I hate that you make me feel guilty
For being so happy.
101210 2330
I'm a whore?
I am a whore.
You lied to me.
You pressured me.
You made me your whore.
I may be a whore,
I'll give you that.
But you're a lying,
Cheating,
Big headed,
Bastard,
Mother fucker of a man,
Who can't even be romantic.
Good luck.
I am a whore.
You lied to me.
You pressured me.
You made me your whore.
I may be a whore,
I'll give you that.
But you're a lying,
Cheating,
Big headed,
Bastard,
Mother fucker of a man,
Who can't even be romantic.
Good luck.
101210 2329
I hate myself everyday
For not saving myself.
I need stable ground.
I wish the people I lean on
Would quit leaving me.
For not saving myself.
I need stable ground.
I wish the people I lean on
Would quit leaving me.
101210 2327
Love always,
P.S. Don't say maybe.
Penguins.
Giraffes.
Princess Piggiewigglies.
Wrestling.
Football.
Dominique.
Self respect.
Sweaters.
A&M.
Boats and Birds.
Tickle me Pink.
KOol.
Nothing will be the same.
P.S. Don't say maybe.
Penguins.
Giraffes.
Princess Piggiewigglies.
Wrestling.
Football.
Dominique.
Self respect.
Sweaters.
A&M.
Boats and Birds.
Tickle me Pink.
KOol.
Nothing will be the same.
101210 2321
You constantly find ways to
Wiggle back into my life.
I can't take it anymore.
Stay away from me.
I waited six months.
I waited half a year for you.
And I begged you,
I cried on my knees,
I cried for weeks,
Praying you'd call,
And pretending I was healing.
Then I finally let go,
And for once someone was willing to help me up after the fall.
You could have been him.
But its too late to prove yourself.
I just want you to go be happy elsewhere.
Love Always.
Wiggle back into my life.
I can't take it anymore.
Stay away from me.
I waited six months.
I waited half a year for you.
And I begged you,
I cried on my knees,
I cried for weeks,
Praying you'd call,
And pretending I was healing.
Then I finally let go,
And for once someone was willing to help me up after the fall.
You could have been him.
But its too late to prove yourself.
I just want you to go be happy elsewhere.
Love Always.
10.10.2010
101010 1408
I am honestly extremely lucky.
I found someone amazing
Right after a too-long relationship.
And I moved on.
A clean cut,
Not too much time wasted on crying.
I am very blessed.
I found someone amazing
Right after a too-long relationship.
And I moved on.
A clean cut,
Not too much time wasted on crying.
I am very blessed.
10.09.2010
10610 2318
I feel as if
I'm one of the shittiest people.
And I hate so much
That my internet goes down at 11.
I can never express just how much
I've fallen for you by the time I notice it's time to go.
I love you, so very much.
I'm one of the shittiest people.
And I hate so much
That my internet goes down at 11.
I can never express just how much
I've fallen for you by the time I notice it's time to go.
I love you, so very much.
10510 149
There's not many things I wouldn't give up to erase my past.
At the very least,
The past two years.
At the very least,
The past two years.
10510 144
A hand on the back of my neck,
A finger on my spine.
A graze on my collar bone.
Cradle my hips,
Rub my arms,
Brush my cheek,
Pull me in.
Sway with me.
Stay with me.
A finger on my spine.
A graze on my collar bone.
Cradle my hips,
Rub my arms,
Brush my cheek,
Pull me in.
Sway with me.
Stay with me.
10510 142
The hands are the most important part of a person,
They are what we use to feel.
They are what we use to draw each other closer.
Our hands have so much power over other people.
They can provide endless pleasure,
Or horrifying unthinkable pain,
Or reassurance.
They can convey so many feelings,
With touch and motion.
And with the right touch,
They can make a heart soar.
They are what we use to feel.
They are what we use to draw each other closer.
Our hands have so much power over other people.
They can provide endless pleasure,
Or horrifying unthinkable pain,
Or reassurance.
They can convey so many feelings,
With touch and motion.
And with the right touch,
They can make a heart soar.
10510 140
I can not stop thinking
About everything that happened.
What you wrote,
Or what you told me.
There are so many feelings
That I can not even find words for all of them.
It is something you have to convey with
A squeeze of the hand
And a meaningful look.
About everything that happened.
What you wrote,
Or what you told me.
There are so many feelings
That I can not even find words for all of them.
It is something you have to convey with
A squeeze of the hand
And a meaningful look.
10510 139
I was laying here,
And a huge overwhelming feeling of sadness overcame me.
I miss my best friend so much.
We haven't talked like we used to since school started.
I need to make a better effort to be there for her.
And a huge overwhelming feeling of sadness overcame me.
I miss my best friend so much.
We haven't talked like we used to since school started.
I need to make a better effort to be there for her.
10410 2301
I feel wretched,
That you have been losing sleep
When you could have been coming to me.
It makes my heart hurt to hear such a thing.
I feel absolutely wretched.
That you have been losing sleep
When you could have been coming to me.
It makes my heart hurt to hear such a thing.
I feel absolutely wretched.
10.04.2010
10510 152
It was not just his fault.
It was mine too.
I was so caught up
in typical teenage mistakes,
I forgot who I was outside of him.
It was not the best situation,
But it has matured me.
I do so wish I could wash off the feeling of his hands completely,
But these mental handprints are who I am.
And as selfish as it sounds,
I need you to love that part of me too.
It was mine too.
I was so caught up
in typical teenage mistakes,
I forgot who I was outside of him.
It was not the best situation,
But it has matured me.
I do so wish I could wash off the feeling of his hands completely,
But these mental handprints are who I am.
And as selfish as it sounds,
I need you to love that part of me too.
10410 2141
I'm not sure how you'll end up,
But I know I will be okay,
And I know where my heart is.
I'm sorry I dragged that on for as long as I did,
But I'm glad to finally know who my heart beats for.
I'm tired of being ashamed of my past.
But I know I will be okay,
And I know where my heart is.
I'm sorry I dragged that on for as long as I did,
But I'm glad to finally know who my heart beats for.
I'm tired of being ashamed of my past.
10.02.2010
10.01.2010
92910 102
When I think nowadays,
My thoughts are consumed with growing,
With moving away,
Graduation,
My boyfriend,
Or (inevitably) my ex boyfriend.
I'm losing myself.
My thoughts are consumed with growing,
With moving away,
Graduation,
My boyfriend,
Or (inevitably) my ex boyfriend.
I'm losing myself.
92910 104
I have never allowed myself
To be in a physically abusive relationship,
But I can connect with Dreamland.
The unhealthy escapes,
Isolating myself,
Hair always up in messy twists and the same baggy sweater,
Letting myself go.
It has taken me this long to finally realize-
You were the worst for me.
And this last summer between highschool years
Was my rehab from my habits,
Though the draw to the bad habits,
and even you
will always be there.
I can't relapse.
To be in a physically abusive relationship,
But I can connect with Dreamland.
The unhealthy escapes,
Isolating myself,
Hair always up in messy twists and the same baggy sweater,
Letting myself go.
It has taken me this long to finally realize-
You were the worst for me.
And this last summer between highschool years
Was my rehab from my habits,
Though the draw to the bad habits,
and even you
will always be there.
I can't relapse.
9.30.2010
92910 118
I have taken time to thank you in the past,
But I want to make it clear one last time.
This is who I am.
I am Ashley. I am seventeen.
This writing,
These simplified thoughts,
(for the most part)
Are me.
They are me when I'm laying in bed,
Staring at my stars,
Staring at my flickering fan,
Staring at the bumps that are constellations on my ceiling.
They are me when I'm sitting on my bathroom floor,
Towel against my face,
Sobbing,
Listening to nothing.
They are me when I'm sitting,
And something hits me,
And I have to write it down.
They are me,
No walls,
No lies,
No dodges.
They are my deepest thoughts compiled into vague sentences that you can take and understand in the way YOU need to understand.
This is who I am,
And if you've read all of my bits,
You know me more intimately than most people I know.
I don't need to worry about a funny face,
Or a recoil when I write here.
I don't need to worry about sympathy or anger.
I don't even know if anyone bothers to read what I've bothered to write.
But if someone does,
Thank you,
For understanding,
And tolerating,
And not telling me I need to be something else.
I am sorry if what I write invokes negative emotions.
I'm sorry if you're disappointed in me,
For all my mistakes.
But this is who I am.
And if you can handle all of this,
And still look at me without disgust,
I love you with every piece of me I can love with.
I need this, and I hope someday
It changes the way you look at something.
I hope you take what I've written and quote me,
Or keep it in your heart,
And remember that you're not alone when you're laying in bed staring at things that mean nothing to anyone but you.
Remember I am doing the same thing.
Remember I come to this when I can't sleep.
Thank you.
But I want to make it clear one last time.
This is who I am.
I am Ashley. I am seventeen.
This writing,
These simplified thoughts,
(for the most part)
Are me.
They are me when I'm laying in bed,
Staring at my stars,
Staring at my flickering fan,
Staring at the bumps that are constellations on my ceiling.
They are me when I'm sitting on my bathroom floor,
Towel against my face,
Sobbing,
Listening to nothing.
They are me when I'm sitting,
And something hits me,
And I have to write it down.
They are me,
No walls,
No lies,
No dodges.
They are my deepest thoughts compiled into vague sentences that you can take and understand in the way YOU need to understand.
This is who I am,
And if you've read all of my bits,
You know me more intimately than most people I know.
I don't need to worry about a funny face,
Or a recoil when I write here.
I don't need to worry about sympathy or anger.
I don't even know if anyone bothers to read what I've bothered to write.
But if someone does,
Thank you,
For understanding,
And tolerating,
And not telling me I need to be something else.
I am sorry if what I write invokes negative emotions.
I'm sorry if you're disappointed in me,
For all my mistakes.
But this is who I am.
And if you can handle all of this,
And still look at me without disgust,
I love you with every piece of me I can love with.
I need this, and I hope someday
It changes the way you look at something.
I hope you take what I've written and quote me,
Or keep it in your heart,
And remember that you're not alone when you're laying in bed staring at things that mean nothing to anyone but you.
Remember I am doing the same thing.
Remember I come to this when I can't sleep.
Thank you.
92910 126
I am tired of feeling guilty
For feeling the way I do.
I am tired of telling my friends good news,
And being verbally slapped on the hands.
I am tired of people deciding I should do something,
Or that I'm not meant for my boyfriend,
Or that I need to be there for them right when they need me,
Regardless of how many times I've needed them and they turned away.
For feeling the way I do.
I am tired of telling my friends good news,
And being verbally slapped on the hands.
I am tired of people deciding I should do something,
Or that I'm not meant for my boyfriend,
Or that I need to be there for them right when they need me,
Regardless of how many times I've needed them and they turned away.
92910 131
I can sit alone in public without being embarrassed now,
Even though it used to be my biggest fear.
I am more proud of this than anything I could ever do.
It is significant because now I know I don't need anyone.
I chose to be around the people I am with.
I have no obligation to you.
I have no obligations to any of you.
Even though it used to be my biggest fear.
I am more proud of this than anything I could ever do.
It is significant because now I know I don't need anyone.
I chose to be around the people I am with.
I have no obligation to you.
I have no obligations to any of you.
92910 137
I think my fear of the dark has manifested itself once again.
I am seeing faces where there are none.
I take a step and fall back miles.
I am seeing faces where there are none.
I take a step and fall back miles.
9.28.2010
92610 2315
Do not go back to the mistakes.
Do not be afraid to be alone.
Do not forget me-
We both learned so much.
And I am so, so sorry it ended this way.
I will only cry for you, now.
Not over you.
I am so, so, so, very sorry.
Do not be afraid to be alone.
Do not forget me-
We both learned so much.
And I am so, so sorry it ended this way.
I will only cry for you, now.
Not over you.
I am so, so, so, very sorry.
92610 2314
If he doesn't say something about how beautiful you look tonight I may have to kill him.
I'll miss this in you.
I'll miss this in you.
92610 2312
It feels odd to be happy.
I am not used to this.
The past day we haven't been talking,
I've been happier than I was when we were.
I haven't had to explain myself.
What I used to value in you has become a burden.
I am not used to this.
The past day we haven't been talking,
I've been happier than I was when we were.
I haven't had to explain myself.
What I used to value in you has become a burden.
92610 2311
Make a wish:
I wish I could figure myself out.
If any of you get around to it,
I'd appreciate it if you let me in on the secret.
I wish I could figure myself out.
If any of you get around to it,
I'd appreciate it if you let me in on the secret.
92610 2309
I don't understand this feeling of immense freedom and emptiness.
I'm scared of this vast emptiness where my heart used to be.
What does all of this mean?
I'm scared of this vast emptiness where my heart used to be.
What does all of this mean?
92110 2324
According to psychology,
Emotions only last 12 minutes.
Anything after that is self inflicted.
Makes you think,
Doesn't it?
Emotions only last 12 minutes.
Anything after that is self inflicted.
Makes you think,
Doesn't it?
9.26.2010
92610 2305
I spent a year of my life,
And two summers
On one boy.
Now that I got the chance to have him back,
I don't want him anymore.
I've been waiting for the feeling to come back,
And it just hasn't.
I think it's because I know how it feels to be important to someone,
To be their first option,
To be their only option.
The only downside to letting go,
Is that I have nothing to write about,
No glorious great love,
No happy ending.
Books lie.
And two summers
On one boy.
Now that I got the chance to have him back,
I don't want him anymore.
I've been waiting for the feeling to come back,
And it just hasn't.
I think it's because I know how it feels to be important to someone,
To be their first option,
To be their only option.
The only downside to letting go,
Is that I have nothing to write about,
No glorious great love,
No happy ending.
Books lie.
9.21.2010
91910 228
I wish that I could convey
How happy you make me to you...
You're always looking to make things better,
When there's nothing to fix.
That's probably why I like you so much.
For once I have someone who's eager to do what I need,
And it's nice,
But it leaves me wondering what more I could do too.
How happy you make me to you...
You're always looking to make things better,
When there's nothing to fix.
That's probably why I like you so much.
For once I have someone who's eager to do what I need,
And it's nice,
But it leaves me wondering what more I could do too.
9.20.2010
92010 213
I'm better than I thought I would be.
I'm very,
Very proud of myself.
I shook,
I cried like a baby.
But I have a new life now.
I have a new beautiful boy,
Who treats me so amazing,
And makes me so proud to be me.
That's more than you could do.
Goodbye.
I'm very,
Very proud of myself.
I shook,
I cried like a baby.
But I have a new life now.
I have a new beautiful boy,
Who treats me so amazing,
And makes me so proud to be me.
That's more than you could do.
Goodbye.
92010 154
You asked me for advice...
All I can tell you is
What you forced me to believe.
Don't be afraid to be alone.
All I can tell you is
What you forced me to believe.
Don't be afraid to be alone.
92010 154
You came back.
Finally, you came back.
Two days after I got rid of you completely.
But I will not give in.
You are dead to me.
Finally, you came back.
Two days after I got rid of you completely.
But I will not give in.
You are dead to me.
91910 311
I'm not sure how many times
I've laid here staring at the ceiling
Thinking about little things here and there,
And suddenly I remember something,
Something small
That didn't mean anything at the time.
Then suddenly,
I realize the reason behind it,
And I take a deep, sharp breath,
And whisper "oh, you bastard."
Even if these conclusions aren't true,
It's made me realize-
I never really knew you.
I'm better off without you.
I've laid here staring at the ceiling
Thinking about little things here and there,
And suddenly I remember something,
Something small
That didn't mean anything at the time.
Then suddenly,
I realize the reason behind it,
And I take a deep, sharp breath,
And whisper "oh, you bastard."
Even if these conclusions aren't true,
It's made me realize-
I never really knew you.
I'm better off without you.
92010 201
I do miss you,
I won't lie.
But I don't miss us.
I do want to be friends.
I won't lie.
But you asked me to do what's best for me.
I appreciate your selflessness.
But who am I kidding?
You were probably just looking to get laid.
I won't lie.
But I don't miss us.
I do want to be friends.
I won't lie.
But you asked me to do what's best for me.
I appreciate your selflessness.
But who am I kidding?
You were probably just looking to get laid.
9.18.2010
91810 1213
It seems to me I've made a mistake.
I should have taken my time
Throwing you out.
Instead I did it on an impulse,
And I can't help but wish I'd taken time to be upset over it.
I should have taken my time
Throwing you out.
Instead I did it on an impulse,
And I can't help but wish I'd taken time to be upset over it.
91710 101
It's not that my boyfriend isn't making me happy,
Or that anything is going wrong.
Everything is fine.
I just don't want to be around anyone.
I want to be left alone,
In the quiet,
In the dark.
So I can take a deep breath and listen to the world sleep.
Or that anything is going wrong.
Everything is fine.
I just don't want to be around anyone.
I want to be left alone,
In the quiet,
In the dark.
So I can take a deep breath and listen to the world sleep.
91710 058
I think I'm depressed,
I find no joy
In anything.
As soon as I get home,
I go to my room,
I lay down,
And I think.
Yet I can't get enough time alone.
I don't even know how to ask for help.
Or if I should even bother to ask for help.
I find no joy
In anything.
As soon as I get home,
I go to my room,
I lay down,
And I think.
Yet I can't get enough time alone.
I don't even know how to ask for help.
Or if I should even bother to ask for help.
91710 055
Have you ever met someone
That you instantly clicked with?
You automatically felt
That you could do great things with them?
That you instantly clicked with?
You automatically felt
That you could do great things with them?
91510 2341
I wrote a lot tonight.
I have a lot running through my mind.
Between the tears and the sickness,
I'm not sure why.
I have a lot running through my mind.
Between the tears and the sickness,
I'm not sure why.
91510 2340
Chill.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
It's going to be okay.
Everything happens for a reason.
What's meant to be will always find it's way.
Smile, it can't be that bad.
This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
It's going to be okay.
Everything happens for a reason.
What's meant to be will always find it's way.
Smile, it can't be that bad.
This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
91510 2337
I want to get rid of the ring.
I'm sure you threw yours out.
I want it to feel liberating.
A last hurrah.
I don't know why I held on so long.
It doesn't even fit anymore.
I think I'll put it in the ditch,
Where we sat all the time.
It's fitting.
It's where we spent all our time.
And it's where everything ended.
I'm sure you threw yours out.
I want it to feel liberating.
A last hurrah.
I don't know why I held on so long.
It doesn't even fit anymore.
I think I'll put it in the ditch,
Where we sat all the time.
It's fitting.
It's where we spent all our time.
And it's where everything ended.
91510 2333
I miss the comfort I was able to draw from you.
I would have met you by now.
You'd be small and in my arms.
And I'd smile down at you.
And I'd never need anything or anyone else.
You felt so happy with me.
I can't wait to feel you again.
But I want to give you everything in the world.
So we must both be patient.
I would have met you by now.
You'd be small and in my arms.
And I'd smile down at you.
And I'd never need anything or anyone else.
You felt so happy with me.
I can't wait to feel you again.
But I want to give you everything in the world.
So we must both be patient.
91510 2322
I wonder how it is to be deaf.
They're never overwhelmed with sound.
They never have to wake up to parents screaming,
Or sirens wailing.
They don't have to hear someone tell them they don't love them anymore.
You can't shut your ears.
But you can shut your eyes.
They're never overwhelmed with sound.
They never have to wake up to parents screaming,
Or sirens wailing.
They don't have to hear someone tell them they don't love them anymore.
You can't shut your ears.
But you can shut your eyes.
91510 2320
I sat in the ditch today.
I looked over all the memories in my hands.
I took a deep breath.
In.
Out.
I'm going to get rid of the ring.
I looked over all the memories in my hands.
I took a deep breath.
In.
Out.
I'm going to get rid of the ring.
91510 2318
I need something to do with my time.
I want to draw,
To create,
But I don't know what to draw.
I want to write,
But the words aren't coming out clearly.
I want to read,
But it doesn't hold my attention.
I want to play a game,
I get frustrated or bored.
I don't want to do anything here.
I want to get out and just drive somewhere far away with someone.
No talking.
No music.
Just open windows,
And open road.
I want to draw,
To create,
But I don't know what to draw.
I want to write,
But the words aren't coming out clearly.
I want to read,
But it doesn't hold my attention.
I want to play a game,
I get frustrated or bored.
I don't want to do anything here.
I want to get out and just drive somewhere far away with someone.
No talking.
No music.
Just open windows,
And open road.
91510 2316
I am done.
You are dead to me.
The you I once knew
Is gone.
All that is left is a pencil top.
You are dead to me.
The you I once knew
Is gone.
All that is left is a pencil top.
9.16.2010
91710 100
I remember vividly,
The day my father accused me of being depressed.
I was happier back then than now.
Now I'm just better and looking and sounding okay.
The day my father accused me of being depressed.
I was happier back then than now.
Now I'm just better and looking and sounding okay.
9.15.2010
9.14.2010
91410 2026
I hate my friends.
This can hardly be healthy.
Lately I don't want to be around anyone.
I just want to sit outside and listen.
I want to hear the leaves rustle,
And the dogs bark,
And the cars buzz past.
I want things to be simple again.
This can hardly be healthy.
Lately I don't want to be around anyone.
I just want to sit outside and listen.
I want to hear the leaves rustle,
And the dogs bark,
And the cars buzz past.
I want things to be simple again.
91410 936
I'm not sorry I met you.
I'm not sorry we did what we did.
I'm not sorry I gave my all to you.
I'm not sorry for being so gullible.
I am sorry that you left.
I am sorry I wouldn't let go.
I'm not sorry we did what we did.
I'm not sorry I gave my all to you.
I'm not sorry for being so gullible.
I am sorry that you left.
I am sorry I wouldn't let go.
91310 2336
Have you noticed
That optimistic tone in my writing lately?
Have you noticed I'm writing
Less about pain and more about sunshine?
Have you noticed that I'm getting better?
That optimistic tone in my writing lately?
Have you noticed I'm writing
Less about pain and more about sunshine?
Have you noticed that I'm getting better?
91310 123
I love the way the sun feels on my face.
I love the way I can see green veins
In my closed, red eyelids.
I love the way I lose track of what's happening,
And how much time has passed when I'm kissing you.
I love the way golden brown hair looks in the morning sun.
I love the way it feels to roll over in bed,
And into someone's arms.
I love the way nails feel when they gently brush my skin.
I love the way it feels to have a hand wound in my hair during a passionate kiss.
I love the way it feels to curl up under your comforter on a cold morning.
I love the way it feels to press cold toes to a warm leg.
But what I love most of all...
I love the way that I have healed so completely,
that I can appreciate these things.
Even when they aren't mine.
I love the way I can see green veins
In my closed, red eyelids.
I love the way I lose track of what's happening,
And how much time has passed when I'm kissing you.
I love the way golden brown hair looks in the morning sun.
I love the way it feels to roll over in bed,
And into someone's arms.
I love the way nails feel when they gently brush my skin.
I love the way it feels to have a hand wound in my hair during a passionate kiss.
I love the way it feels to curl up under your comforter on a cold morning.
I love the way it feels to press cold toes to a warm leg.
But what I love most of all...
I love the way that I have healed so completely,
that I can appreciate these things.
Even when they aren't mine.
91310 117
Perhaps,
That star was right.
Perhaps I was afraid that you were done.
Perhaps I was afraid you'd let me go.
But after thinking about this,
After losing sleep over this,
And yes,
After crying over this,
I've concluded I am okay.
I don't need you anymore.
I don't want you anymore.
I am at ease.
My heart doesn't ache.
And I'm not bitter anymore.
That star was right.
Perhaps I was afraid that you were done.
Perhaps I was afraid you'd let me go.
But after thinking about this,
After losing sleep over this,
And yes,
After crying over this,
I've concluded I am okay.
I don't need you anymore.
I don't want you anymore.
I am at ease.
My heart doesn't ache.
And I'm not bitter anymore.
91110 2327
People do change for the best.
Always.
I think that maybe,
People who you think changed for the worst,
Changed for the best for someone else.
Always.
I think that maybe,
People who you think changed for the worst,
Changed for the best for someone else.
91410 2024
You skyrocketed away.
You found another galaxy.
But you never left me that stardust.
Promises aren't all you broke,
You know.
You found another galaxy.
But you never left me that stardust.
Promises aren't all you broke,
You know.
9.12.2010
91310 122
One day you too will wake up,
And realize you didn't have as many friends
As you thought you did.
It's sad to realize
That those you thought were close,
Are actually just as distant
As the rest of the world.
And realize you didn't have as many friends
As you thought you did.
It's sad to realize
That those you thought were close,
Are actually just as distant
As the rest of the world.
9.11.2010
91110 145
I'd like to thank you,
God.
For not letting me see his face.
I just don't understand
Why I had to see him at all.
I shouldn't have gone.
God.
For not letting me see his face.
I just don't understand
Why I had to see him at all.
I shouldn't have gone.
9910 2309
Today,
You made me smile so big it hurt.
I haven't smiled like that...
In a very long time.
Thank you.
You made me smile so big it hurt.
I haven't smiled like that...
In a very long time.
Thank you.
9810 2346
It is a little silly
That I'm so scared to walk around in my own home
Because I'm afraid you'll be waiting around the corner.
I don't want you to come back.
I wish she hadn't told me.
That I'm so scared to walk around in my own home
Because I'm afraid you'll be waiting around the corner.
I don't want you to come back.
I wish she hadn't told me.
9.06.2010
9510 2357
You took a perfectly innocent girl,
And tore that away from her.
How selfish,
You stole something you can't even use.
And tore that away from her.
How selfish,
You stole something you can't even use.
9510 2350
While I miss feeling so comfortable that I could be disgusting whenever I wanted,
I have missed feeling important even more.
I'm getting what you gave me,
And I'm getting what you refused to give me.
I feel wanted,
And pretty,
And worth something.
And I deserved that.
I've deserved feeling like this
All along.
It took almost two years for me to realize-
I AM worth something.
I AM worth the effort.
I'm not as filthy,
Or as ugly,
Or as worthless as you made me feel.
And I can have friends,
And a boyfriend
At the same time.
I have missed feeling important even more.
I'm getting what you gave me,
And I'm getting what you refused to give me.
I feel wanted,
And pretty,
And worth something.
And I deserved that.
I've deserved feeling like this
All along.
It took almost two years for me to realize-
I AM worth something.
I AM worth the effort.
I'm not as filthy,
Or as ugly,
Or as worthless as you made me feel.
And I can have friends,
And a boyfriend
At the same time.
9.05.2010
952010 2346
I'm letting myself fall for him,
And it's happening.
And it scares me.
And I can't imagine feeling
How I felt for that hourglass man
For this boy.
And it's happening.
And it scares me.
And I can't imagine feeling
How I felt for that hourglass man
For this boy.
9.04.2010
9310 130
I promise you,
Everything does work out
How it's supposed to.
Every tear you've shed
Has it's own purpose.
Ever flower needs some water to bloom.
Everything does work out
How it's supposed to.
Every tear you've shed
Has it's own purpose.
Ever flower needs some water to bloom.
9.02.2010
8.30.2010
8302010 2143
It's hard not to blame yourself
For all of the things
that hurt you the worst
Especially when
It was a direct result of your own gullibility.
It's also hard to trust anyone afterwards
Especially when
The person you trusted the most
Hurt you the worst.
And still continues to hurt you,
Even though they're long gone.
But it's okay to trust new people,
Even if it hurts so much.
I promise.
For all of the things
that hurt you the worst
Especially when
It was a direct result of your own gullibility.
It's also hard to trust anyone afterwards
Especially when
The person you trusted the most
Hurt you the worst.
And still continues to hurt you,
Even though they're long gone.
But it's okay to trust new people,
Even if it hurts so much.
I promise.
8302010 2123
I wish I hadn't let you get to me,
When it was still cold but getting warm.
But I can't regret what happened,
It's given me so many
New, beautiful things.
In many ways,
Strange ways,
You will always be
The best thing that ever happened to me.
When it was still cold but getting warm.
But I can't regret what happened,
It's given me so many
New, beautiful things.
In many ways,
Strange ways,
You will always be
The best thing that ever happened to me.
82910 2322
I am too painfully aware
Of sounds during night time.
Like I expect to hear my door creak,
Turn over,
And see you standing there,
Looking sorry.
But I certainly hope
That never happens.
We have different dreams now,
And we operate on different levels.
Stay in your hourglass.
Of sounds during night time.
Like I expect to hear my door creak,
Turn over,
And see you standing there,
Looking sorry.
But I certainly hope
That never happens.
We have different dreams now,
And we operate on different levels.
Stay in your hourglass.
8.29.2010
82910 2320
Like a wrecking ball
You left a huge hole in me.
I've been holding myself together,
But I can hear you swinging back
And I'm not sure
If I'll make it through another blow.
You left a huge hole in me.
I've been holding myself together,
But I can hear you swinging back
And I'm not sure
If I'll make it through another blow.
8.10.2010
8102010 154
I was upset because of something trivial,
I remember it clearly.
He was grilling in his fenceless backyard.
He looked up,
I wasn't making eye contact-
It was a bad neighborhood.
"Smile, it can't be that bad."
I'll never forget.
One day,
I want to find that man.
And tell him how he impacted my life.
I remember it clearly.
He was grilling in his fenceless backyard.
He looked up,
I wasn't making eye contact-
It was a bad neighborhood.
"Smile, it can't be that bad."
I'll never forget.
One day,
I want to find that man.
And tell him how he impacted my life.
8.09.2010
892010 109
Remember?
Hugs and kisses and lollipops
Always made booboos better.
Now all it takes is time.
We aren't as high maintenence now,
We don't require the material things,
But now we feel things we don't understand
And we say things we don't mean
And we hurt
And we cry
And we'll never sleep as deeply
As we did when the world was safe,
And we didn't know how horrible people were.
I wish I could be that innocent again.
892010 115
I wish you hadn't lied so much
I wish you hadn't given me all that hope.
Because I keep finding new lies every day.
Like you tucked them in different corners of my mind,
like dirty magazines or illegal drugs,
You hid them from everyone.
Now I find at least one a day,
and it's making it hard for me
to open my mind to anyone else.
The worst thing about it all
is that you're lying about
what you lied to ME about.
It wasn't just the cigarettes,
it was your nasty words,
too.
I wish you hadn't given me all that hope.
Because I keep finding new lies every day.
Like you tucked them in different corners of my mind,
like dirty magazines or illegal drugs,
You hid them from everyone.
Now I find at least one a day,
and it's making it hard for me
to open my mind to anyone else.
The worst thing about it all
is that you're lying about
what you lied to ME about.
It wasn't just the cigarettes,
it was your nasty words,
too.
622010 1340
Why do we wait
to take pictures
Till the end?
Why would we want to remember
the end more than
any other time?
to take pictures
Till the end?
Why would we want to remember
the end more than
any other time?
892010 107
Maybe one day
I will look back and hardly remember,
but now it is all painfully vivid
and extremely distracting
and hurts just as much
as it did while it was happening.
I will look back and hardly remember,
but now it is all painfully vivid
and extremely distracting
and hurts just as much
as it did while it was happening.
892010 111
I wish I could write letters
to dead people.
I could apologize for things I regret now.
I only really have one person to apologize to.
They never had a birthday or a lollipop.
It was my fault.
They never snuggled a puppy.
It was my fault.
They never fell in love or cried.
It was my fault.
I don't know if they ever felt pain,
or if they ever had a thought,
or if they ever heard beautiful music,
but I hope they do now, wherever they are.
I am so sorry,
that I am so selfish.
to dead people.
I could apologize for things I regret now.
I only really have one person to apologize to.
They never had a birthday or a lollipop.
It was my fault.
They never snuggled a puppy.
It was my fault.
They never fell in love or cried.
It was my fault.
I don't know if they ever felt pain,
or if they ever had a thought,
or if they ever heard beautiful music,
but I hope they do now, wherever they are.
I am so sorry,
that I am so selfish.
612010 635
You and I-
we can write whatever the fuck we want.
Maybe it will make someone cry.
Does it make anything easier on anyone?
Probably not.
Then why the hell are we writing?
To connect.
we can write whatever the fuck we want.
Maybe it will make someone cry.
Does it make anything easier on anyone?
Probably not.
Then why the hell are we writing?
To connect.
612010 621
I hate that phrase
that runs through my head endlessly
"Love is enough." "Love is enough."
As if someone whispered it
into my ear as I slept.
"Love is enough." "Love is enough."
The voice lies-
love has never been enough.
that runs through my head endlessly
"Love is enough." "Love is enough."
As if someone whispered it
into my ear as I slept.
"Love is enough." "Love is enough."
The voice lies-
love has never been enough.
612010 617
It's funny
how you suddenly discover someone who understands,
then they live in another county.
They will never know who you are,
and between the two of you,
all that heartbreak
would end the world.
how you suddenly discover someone who understands,
then they live in another county.
They will never know who you are,
and between the two of you,
all that heartbreak
would end the world.
8.08.2010
612010 1228
And sometimes,
we find common ground
with people we never bothered to get to know,
after it's much too late
to know them at all.
we find common ground
with people we never bothered to get to know,
after it's much too late
to know them at all.
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