112810 000

You promised me the stars,
And it was bittersweet.
I love seeing a future with you,
But you are making the same promises as he did.
And I can't help but worry.

111110 0205

Today would've been 2 years.
I'm glad it's not.

111110 0203

I want to be skinny.
Too skinny.
So skinny most of my bones show.
I want to have razor sharp hip bones,
And I want my vertebrae to show.
I want my knees to be knobby,
And my fingers to be slender and pale.
I want to just rip all my skin and fat off,
And just be a walking skeleton.
I'm so tired of being heavy.
I want to cut off all this weight.
I feel so damn ugly.
I'm gonna lose 36 pounds.
No matter what it takes.

11610 0331

I was terrified,
And I wanted to say it for at least...
20 minutes before I actually did.
I didn't want to scare you,
Or push you away.
I've never had someone willing to be romantic.
So it's hard for me to be seriously romantic,
Or even exchange simple true statements that are hardly romantic.
The only thing I'm used to saying is 'I love you,'
And I fear I overuse that as it is.
You take my breath away.
You really do.

11610 0327

It's the way you stand in a doorway,
Or turn to look at me and smile.
It's the way you know exactly how to kiss me,
Or the way your arms move when you walk.
It's the way your face changes when mine does,
Or the way your eyes dilate out of nowhere.
It's the way you listen to me talk nonsense,
Or the way you know when I need a hand on my back.
It's the way you chuckle when I'm being funny,
Or the way you tell me, "You're so beautiful."
It's always something something you're doing,
Or something you're saying.
It's all of this.
And then some-
Then some that I can not put into words.

11610 0309

You have a bit of curly hair at the very tip of your widow's peak. You have an indent in the middle of your bottom lip. You have an indent in the right side of your nose, from my point of view. Your hair is lightest underneath. You always have one spot of mustache stubble. Sometimes your left eye is more closed than your right eye. You have more smile lines than worry lines. Your smile lines remind me of the joker. The pores on your nose could use some cleaning, but so could mine. You will have heavy eyelids when you're an old man. You never let your nails get long. You have a slight unibrow- but so do I. You only have one worry line across your forehead. You have a spot of gold in your right iris. Your chin stubble is peppered with blonde and brown hairs. You don't have skin problems. You have a funny nose, but that's one of the things I like most about your face. Your hair is very thick and coarse. You are amazing.

11610 0304

I have been crying for two hours.
Endlessly.
Soft big rolling tears,
And streaming tears
That made my nose run.
I was Finding Alaska.
How shall I get out of this labyrinth?

11610 0303

You called me beautiful,
And I did not doubt
That you saw me that way.
You are everything.

11510 0012

I need to stop thinking about it.
I know that I am not.
And when it does not happen,
If I continue to think these thoughts,
I will be as disappointed,
And as distressed as I was
Back in April.

11510 0002

In my psychology class book,
They say it is normal
To look back on something,
And think,
"Wow. Should have seen that coming. I am stupid."
When it was impossible to have seen that coming,
When you were not stupid at all.
This eases my heart.
I feel better about being so gullible.

11510 0003

I told myself
I'd always have good judgement.
It is odd to look back and see
What a typical teenage girl I have been.

11510 0000

Part of myself
Aches.
And cries,
And moans,
And squirms,
And screams,
And yearns.
But most of myself
Shines,
And smiles,
And sings.
And has hope.
I am better now.

11410 2356

There's a sickness
In my heart
And in my lungs
And in my stomach.

11410 1629

11-
Your second chance.
4-
Your first chance.
10-
A new beginning.

Today is a lot of things.

11610 0305

My heart is throbbing,
My body is sore,
My eyes feel full,
And my nose feels plugged.
I can only breathe through
My left nostril.
But your scent is swimming
In every breath I take.

11510 0016

I know you will be perfect
When I meet you
You are worth
This agonizing wait.

11410 2359

23:59
This is the very end.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
I will miss you,
Goodbye.
00:00
Goodbye.

11410 1636

Maybe I need to stop
Writing the stories.
Maybe I need to let
The stories be about me for a change.

103110 105

I glow in your presence.
My body responds to every move you make.
I am all too aware of my heart these days.

103110 104

I wonder how I will handle 114 or 1111.
Probably well.

102810 048

I like how the night feels
With dimmed lights
And light, barely audible jazzy music.
I like to sip my tea,
Sit up slightly in bed,
Reflect on my life,
Cry if I need to,
Cringe at embarrassing things,
And smile occasionally.
Tonight is just a thick night.
Even the air is heavy in my chest.
Or maybe I'm just sleepy.

11410 1629

Don't you ever take the time
To stop and wonder
How the streets got their names?

102610 1627

I love you thoroughly.

102610 105

I haven't lost my breath
In quite a while.
That was scary.

102610 103

I didn't leave you because I fell out of love with you.
I don't think people realize that.
I still loved you for so long.
But I knew I would never be as happy as I could be with you.
People don't put that into the equation.
I was addicted to you,
You were my favorite drug,
And sometimes,
I feel self destructive enough
To actually let myself think about you.

102510 040

I am not certain what you could call me.
It makes no sense,
That I am this empty.
I am fine when I am distracted.
Showering or night time are nightmares.
Is this depression?
There is no reason for you to be here.
Go away.
I have no reason to be sad.

101810 107

I should probably go to sleep.
But I'm not tired at all.

101810 106

There is a certain beauty
In the way the back of my neck,
Or my cheek,
Or the small of my back
Fits the palm of your hand.
There is just a certain beauty,
In the way
I feel myself moving around you.

101810 105

I'm not quite sure
What to say here.

101810 104

I stay up way too late,
Listening.
Breathing.
In out
In out
In out
In...
Hold.
It's just the animals.

101810 048

I don't know what to do anymore.
My family might be moving,
After I walk the stage...
My dad'll be gone all week
Every week.
(As a last resort.)
I'm being forced to grow up.
I am scared shitless.

11110 900

In three days,
I will remember two years.
Wasted.