113011 0640

It feels so juvenile,
Feeling this resonation.
Quite literally
A buzzing in me somehow.
I haven't felt this for a while.
It is a sadness,
Of sorts.

I suppose.

113011 0634

I can try to be lyrical about this all I want.
It doesn't mean a thing.

113011 0631

I hate the hollow beating.
Echoing down my ribcage,
Reminding me
Where my heart had burst through
Once upon a time.

110111 0512

The saddest things are in my head.

101111 0223

I was bitter
Sent it down the drain.
Stepped out to goosebumps
Bitter again.

92211 0523

Feathers are beautiful
But have no weight.




Words.

92211 0512

I wish I could transfer my physical weight
To my throat
So my words could mean something
To you
To anyone.
So that you'd be bound to them for once.



I hold this all on my shoulders
And I'm down on my knees.

92211 0510

There are so many mistakes
I have made with you
Why do yours tear me apart
When I deserve the tearing?

91711 0802

I suppose
Crying
Is the best lullaby.

91611 1506

I guess that's what you get for knowing someone
You give them this...
Immense power to hurt you.
They know your wounds,
Where to strike.

Punishment for being human.

81111 0412

I'm done with the past.
It is time for Now.

81111 0408

There is this feeling.
For one reason or another
My lips are freezing.
Then you kiss me.
And it is like...
I have never felt such a comforting warmth before.
And it brings me to life.

81111 0359

Sometimes I want our muscles to work together,
to breathe in when you breathe out.
I want to fight the doubts in your mind,
and you to fight the monsters in mine.

72211 0530

I am too busy for the beautiful release
I used to find in these words,
Heart to keyboard,
to You.
I promise,
I will find time.

72211 0526

I imagined you telling me,
About one of your days.
Though...
I couldn't tell you why.
Your ecstatic voice.
The immaturity surrounding your excitement.
I want to finally get past this.

7411 0125

I'm the ugliest puzzle
You'll ever piece together.

61211 0024

You said everything so long ago.
But you say nothing
Even
When
There
Is
So
Much
To
Say

6311 0034

I would like to have you for longer than a few hours
Or at the very least
Your attention.

53111 0337

The silence and the dark are my worst fears.
Because one will know oneself,
In either

53111 0334

I tell everyone I meet,
Everyone is made for someone.
Of course even I know this to be a lie,
As reassuring as it is...
I've found some people are made to be in-betweens.

53111 0330

Sometimes I wonder what you think about when you go to sleep.
Am I the green flash?
Like sunsets.
Or am I this dull aching throb like you used to be for me?
Or is it how it is for me now?
A ghost hovering over your head,
Attacking when you're vulnerable,
When you have more problems than you can handle to begin with?
Is it her? Her body?
The way she laughs.
Is it me? Do you regret it?
You can say you do but is that what you feel?
Of course,
None of this matters.
It's just upsetting thoughts
For an already upset mind.

52911 0241

It is so frustrating to want something for so long,
To have it for days at a time,
then to watch it slip from your hands once again
for
weeks
or
months

52711 0057

In 9 hours I shall begin
the final hours of the beginning of my life.
It will be bittersweet
And I will be turning pages I do not wish to turn.

52611 2201

My words are taken out of context
And I can not stand such ignorance.

52411 2246

Taking a break,
From trying to be lovely.
Just to say thank you for coming here.
To have you read things I cannot say out loud feels so intimate,
And I wish there were a way
I could reach out to all those who have come here the past three days.
I appreciate it endlessly
And hope that something I have written gives you hope in some way.
That's all I hope for with this.
Thank you,
Thank you,
Thank you.

42611 0801

We are not boom, bang.
We are the gentle progression.
I had an ocean,
I had the angry hurricane,
I had tornadoes in my chest and bombs in my head.
Now I am enjoying the gentle burn of the sun and the tinkling of a bubbling river,
your love is the cool breeze
and the birds singing
and the ladybugs walking across my arm,
tickling my hair and their own bellies
at the same time.

42511 2148

I will always be here,
you cannot turn me off.








Sometimes it feels like you try.

41711 0243

I am waiting for the inevitable failure.
Which is,
inevitably,
causing me to fail.

32911 0320

I will scream at the top of my lungs and
YOU
WILL
FEEL
You will feel the ocean and the hurricane
And you will sure as hell feel the fire.
You will hurt.
I will love it.
And maybe that is sadistic but I sure as hell got it from the best.
Did I not?

32911 0310

This armor...
It is mine to tear away,
mine to shed.
And I will get better.
I will not allow him to continue,
I will not feel his hands or his selfish breath.
And I will hurt and I will feel new,
Nerves exposed.
And you will hurt me and I will cry,
and I will SCREAM
AND I WILL LOVE WITHOUT BIAS
I WILL LOVE WITHOUT WARINESS
I WILL NOT SEE HIM IN YOU ANY MORE.
And it will hurt so horribly.
But it will be nowhere near the hell I am submersing myself in.

32911 0300

I will think about it until I can feel it in my bones.
I will remember until I can feel the weight and the heat,
the ripping and the searing and I will feel it all again,
and I will rip it away and let it go and it will hurt.
I will grasp myself together and keep myself from falling apart,
Because for once I understand,
that is something you do on your own.
That pain is not for you to bear,
you are not my personal savior.

32911 0259

I must tend to my gardens.

32911 0256

When you close those books
you will close a part of you in with the pages.
It will linger and you will not feel,
You will not know where you placed yourself.

32911 0255

And I will REACH my hand out
and you WILL NOT SEE
you WILL NOT reach back

32911 0254

I will never let go
and I will never hold on
I will beg for a second chance
but never hand them out myself.
And this will never, ever
mean to you what it means to me.

32911 0250

I haven't met one person worth all this,
Not until you,
and now my disbelief
stabs like warm dull knives
in my shallow chest
and there is pain,
and there are tears,
and denial and disbelief,
but this is all me fighting with myself.

32911 0245

I breathe out
I take in
I let go.

32911 0244

As I lay my life out like this quilt in front of me,
Trace the stitches and the patterns to see where I messed up,
Where I skipped a stitch
or where I didn't match the patterns together correctly,
I can replay the process in my head,
and it is that much harder.
I am using recycled material here.
There comes a point where you can't repair it anymore.

32911 0237

Do you know how hard it is to believe?
Anything at all.
From little meaningless things,
Friends will say passingly...
To everythings,
That those you love have promised.
It is so...
hard.
so
very
hard
to believe.

31511 0403

How do you tell someone
You do not understand
Why you are alive?
How do you tell them
You want to stop being alive?
I would,
If I did not care about you.
If I was selfish,
I would do it.
I am so tired of this feeling.

3111 0743

I am forgetting things I am not allowed to remember.
I am forgetting the texture of your face,
The dips in your laughter.
Rather, I have forgotten.
I've forgotten the shape of your lips
And how it felt to kiss them.
What is sad to me is that,
I remember your hands and the scar,
I remember the way they felt,
In my hand or otherwhere.
I remember the way your arms rippled,
The proud shoulders.
Your chubby torso,
The bubble of your ass,
The golden hair between.
I remember the disgusting smell of your feet.
I told myself I would never forget,
A year ago.
And now, a year into a new year,
A year into a brave new time,
I am finding myself promising harder,
Looking harder,
Remembering harder,
As if I expect it all to get torn away again.
As if I want to further the suffering.
I am senseless.

3811 0236

Have you ever,
Cupped your hands in water,
And brought it up to your mouth.
Last second hesitation,
Distraction for just a moment,
And you look back down,
And your hands are empty?
That,
That is you.

3811 0230

Compare us endlessly,
But I never did drugs for him.
He never hit me.
I never tried suicide because of him.
I never cheated on him.
And when I found out
He cheated on me,
I was gone.
So lie, with the
Bruise on your eye
And the powder in your nose.
Lie to me. Come on.

3811 0229

It is hard to move forward
When a thousand hands
Grasp your limbs,
Pulling you down, back,
Into the dark,
From whence you came.

3111 2342

My real first time,
Was coated with depressants,
Sleep,
Pinned wrists and ripping walls.
My T first time,
Was a frenzy of forgetting,
Crying,
Angry grunting and near violence.
My J first time,
Was nearly as bad as the first,
Words binding me instead of long fingers.
He didn't even walk me home.

So tell me, darling,
How any of this compares to you.
Tell me, darling,
How any of that could be better,
Because, darling,
I am as sure as I can be,
As confidant as possible,
When I say it all dulls in comparison,
To the white hot love that settles between your sheets.

22411 0054

Crumbling
Into
Your
Arms

22011 2140

I wonder if my yearning will ever go away.

22011 2140

I am exhausted
From all the screaming
I did in my head today.

21911 0027

Happy birthday.

21911 0026

A jealous heart makes
For a rocky relationship.

21211 0127

Every creak is you.
Every moan and groan from the wood,
Every crack is your step.
The squeal of the gate,
Or the tappity tappity tappity.
Shuffling.
It is you.

21211 0125

I suppose I should
Listen to my own advice sometimes.
But there are things
That haunt me in the early morning
Both new and old, alike
Haunting me, taunting me,
Making me doubt what I thought was doubtless.

2911 0313

I always miss,
The things I should not miss.
I always miss,
The times when I was no happy.
I always miss.

2711 0731

This is what I wanted,
All along.

12711 2238

Is this the break down?
Watch me break down.
Darling,
We're falling.

12411 2141

And I guess normal people are haunted by memories.
I am constantly kept awake at night
By the words that were in your eyes,
But never in your mouth.

12211 2358

My hope is all used up.
My trust was thrown carelessly away,
Quite some time ago.

12211 2357

Learn from your damn mistakes
Do not push them on me.
I am too tired for this.

12311 1046

It was a wildfire.
It destroyed all it touched.

12211 2358

What is the point if you are always gonna be miserable?

12011 0859

Everyone walks out.

12011 0325

You were really bad at rhyming.
At the time I told you I loved it.
But I thought it was stupid,
To be completely honest.
Every romantic thing you attempted
Was completely stupid.
You never met my standards.

11711 0106

This is a horribly intimate thing.
I hope you appreciate it.

11711 0037

I am running out of places to hide you.

11611 2337

Honestly,
I wish I was with you today.
But I am glad I wasn't.
I would not have been as graceful.

11611 2335

"Why am I the only person able to find him?"
I do not know.
The only thing I do know,
Is the yearning grows when you're around.

1711 0817

You signed your life away
For a life you won't have.
Not in the way you wanted.

11011 2346

This too shall pass.

11011 2342

To think,
In my sick desperation
To find a reason behind your lack of morals,
I actually missed you.
I didn't find a reason behind your lack of morals,
But now I'm too busy searching for the reason
Behind my lack of common sense
To care.

11011 2342

I will keep building my walls,
So when you attack again,
I won't even feel it.

11011 2340

Have you felt me?
There.
Everywhere.
Real.
Love.

1311 0600

I just remembered why I like pomegranates.
I hate you.

1211 2122

It is so unhealthy for me
To be this jealous.
My skin is burning,
My heart is racing,
And I'm getting dizzy.
I want to confront her,
But she has not done anything.
At least nothing I can prove.
I'm getting a taste of my own medicine.