I will scream at the top of my lungs and
YOU
WILL
FEEL
You will feel the ocean and the hurricane
And you will sure as hell feel the fire.
You will hurt.
I will love it.
And maybe that is sadistic but I sure as hell got it from the best.
Did I not?
3.29.2011
32911 0310
This armor...
It is mine to tear away,
mine to shed.
And I will get better.
I will not allow him to continue,
I will not feel his hands or his selfish breath.
And I will hurt and I will feel new,
Nerves exposed.
And you will hurt me and I will cry,
and I will SCREAM
AND I WILL LOVE WITHOUT BIAS
I WILL LOVE WITHOUT WARINESS
I WILL NOT SEE HIM IN YOU ANY MORE.
And it will hurt so horribly.
But it will be nowhere near the hell I am submersing myself in.
It is mine to tear away,
mine to shed.
And I will get better.
I will not allow him to continue,
I will not feel his hands or his selfish breath.
And I will hurt and I will feel new,
Nerves exposed.
And you will hurt me and I will cry,
and I will SCREAM
AND I WILL LOVE WITHOUT BIAS
I WILL LOVE WITHOUT WARINESS
I WILL NOT SEE HIM IN YOU ANY MORE.
And it will hurt so horribly.
But it will be nowhere near the hell I am submersing myself in.
32911 0300
I will think about it until I can feel it in my bones.
I will remember until I can feel the weight and the heat,
the ripping and the searing and I will feel it all again,
and I will rip it away and let it go and it will hurt.
I will grasp myself together and keep myself from falling apart,
Because for once I understand,
that is something you do on your own.
That pain is not for you to bear,
you are not my personal savior.
I will remember until I can feel the weight and the heat,
the ripping and the searing and I will feel it all again,
and I will rip it away and let it go and it will hurt.
I will grasp myself together and keep myself from falling apart,
Because for once I understand,
that is something you do on your own.
That pain is not for you to bear,
you are not my personal savior.
32911 0256
When you close those books
you will close a part of you in with the pages.
It will linger and you will not feel,
You will not know where you placed yourself.
you will close a part of you in with the pages.
It will linger and you will not feel,
You will not know where you placed yourself.
32911 0254
I will never let go
and I will never hold on
I will beg for a second chance
but never hand them out myself.
And this will never, ever
mean to you what it means to me.
and I will never hold on
I will beg for a second chance
but never hand them out myself.
And this will never, ever
mean to you what it means to me.
32911 0250
I haven't met one person worth all this,
Not until you,
and now my disbelief
stabs like warm dull knives
in my shallow chest
and there is pain,
and there are tears,
and denial and disbelief,
but this is all me fighting with myself.
Not until you,
and now my disbelief
stabs like warm dull knives
in my shallow chest
and there is pain,
and there are tears,
and denial and disbelief,
but this is all me fighting with myself.
32911 0244
As I lay my life out like this quilt in front of me,
Trace the stitches and the patterns to see where I messed up,
Where I skipped a stitch
or where I didn't match the patterns together correctly,
I can replay the process in my head,
and it is that much harder.
I am using recycled material here.
There comes a point where you can't repair it anymore.
Trace the stitches and the patterns to see where I messed up,
Where I skipped a stitch
or where I didn't match the patterns together correctly,
I can replay the process in my head,
and it is that much harder.
I am using recycled material here.
There comes a point where you can't repair it anymore.
32911 0237
Do you know how hard it is to believe?
Anything at all.
From little meaningless things,
Friends will say passingly...
To everythings,
That those you love have promised.
It is so...
hard.
so
very
hard
to believe.
Anything at all.
From little meaningless things,
Friends will say passingly...
To everythings,
That those you love have promised.
It is so...
hard.
so
very
hard
to believe.
3.15.2011
31511 0403
How do you tell someone
You do not understand
Why you are alive?
How do you tell them
You want to stop being alive?
I would,
If I did not care about you.
If I was selfish,
I would do it.
I am so tired of this feeling.
You do not understand
Why you are alive?
How do you tell them
You want to stop being alive?
I would,
If I did not care about you.
If I was selfish,
I would do it.
I am so tired of this feeling.
3.08.2011
3111 0743
I am forgetting things I am not allowed to remember.
I am forgetting the texture of your face,
The dips in your laughter.
Rather, I have forgotten.
I've forgotten the shape of your lips
And how it felt to kiss them.
What is sad to me is that,
I remember your hands and the scar,
I remember the way they felt,
In my hand or otherwhere.
I remember the way your arms rippled,
The proud shoulders.
Your chubby torso,
The bubble of your ass,
The golden hair between.
I remember the disgusting smell of your feet.
I told myself I would never forget,
A year ago.
And now, a year into a new year,
A year into a brave new time,
I am finding myself promising harder,
Looking harder,
Remembering harder,
As if I expect it all to get torn away again.
As if I want to further the suffering.
I am senseless.
I am forgetting the texture of your face,
The dips in your laughter.
Rather, I have forgotten.
I've forgotten the shape of your lips
And how it felt to kiss them.
What is sad to me is that,
I remember your hands and the scar,
I remember the way they felt,
In my hand or otherwhere.
I remember the way your arms rippled,
The proud shoulders.
Your chubby torso,
The bubble of your ass,
The golden hair between.
I remember the disgusting smell of your feet.
I told myself I would never forget,
A year ago.
And now, a year into a new year,
A year into a brave new time,
I am finding myself promising harder,
Looking harder,
Remembering harder,
As if I expect it all to get torn away again.
As if I want to further the suffering.
I am senseless.
3811 0236
Have you ever,
Cupped your hands in water,
And brought it up to your mouth.
Last second hesitation,
Distraction for just a moment,
And you look back down,
And your hands are empty?
That,
That is you.
Cupped your hands in water,
And brought it up to your mouth.
Last second hesitation,
Distraction for just a moment,
And you look back down,
And your hands are empty?
That,
That is you.
3811 0230
Compare us endlessly,
But I never did drugs for him.
He never hit me.
I never tried suicide because of him.
I never cheated on him.
And when I found out
He cheated on me,
I was gone.
So lie, with the
Bruise on your eye
And the powder in your nose.
Lie to me. Come on.
But I never did drugs for him.
He never hit me.
I never tried suicide because of him.
I never cheated on him.
And when I found out
He cheated on me,
I was gone.
So lie, with the
Bruise on your eye
And the powder in your nose.
Lie to me. Come on.
3811 0229
It is hard to move forward
When a thousand hands
Grasp your limbs,
Pulling you down, back,
Into the dark,
From whence you came.
When a thousand hands
Grasp your limbs,
Pulling you down, back,
Into the dark,
From whence you came.
3.01.2011
3111 2342
My real first time,
Was coated with depressants,
Sleep,
Pinned wrists and ripping walls.
My T first time,
Was a frenzy of forgetting,
Crying,
Angry grunting and near violence.
My J first time,
Was nearly as bad as the first,
Words binding me instead of long fingers.
He didn't even walk me home.
So tell me, darling,
How any of this compares to you.
Tell me, darling,
How any of that could be better,
Because, darling,
I am as sure as I can be,
As confidant as possible,
When I say it all dulls in comparison,
To the white hot love that settles between your sheets.
Was coated with depressants,
Sleep,
Pinned wrists and ripping walls.
My T first time,
Was a frenzy of forgetting,
Crying,
Angry grunting and near violence.
My J first time,
Was nearly as bad as the first,
Words binding me instead of long fingers.
He didn't even walk me home.
So tell me, darling,
How any of this compares to you.
Tell me, darling,
How any of that could be better,
Because, darling,
I am as sure as I can be,
As confidant as possible,
When I say it all dulls in comparison,
To the white hot love that settles between your sheets.
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