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I am forgetting things I am not allowed to remember.
I am forgetting the texture of your face,
The dips in your laughter.
Rather, I have forgotten.
I've forgotten the shape of your lips
And how it felt to kiss them.
What is sad to me is that,
I remember your hands and the scar,
I remember the way they felt,
In my hand or otherwhere.
I remember the way your arms rippled,
The proud shoulders.
Your chubby torso,
The bubble of your ass,
The golden hair between.
I remember the disgusting smell of your feet.
I told myself I would never forget,
A year ago.
And now, a year into a new year,
A year into a brave new time,
I am finding myself promising harder,
Looking harder,
Remembering harder,
As if I expect it all to get torn away again.
As if I want to further the suffering.
I am senseless.