123014 0230

the ache to please
is something i have not felt
as intensely as this
ever in my life.
it is all for you
and i have no idea what to do with it.
i am terrified.

123014 0226

it is quite like being in a burning building
the smoke burns your eyes
and chokes you, creeping past your lips
and into your chest.
you can air out the smoke, lean out the window
but the smoke always comes back.
and
you have to put out this fire on your own

122214 0639

It almost feels the same as
stretching out my toes in the sand
the way it gives and flows through
I could get lost in the dips of your shoulders
and the lines next to your eyes when you smile
You thank me as you give to me
what no one else has and
at the same time you reach into my chest
and pull out my breath
it makes no sense to me but
these sweet nothings you whisper keep me warm when I come home

121814 0214

I just want to thank you
for the way you reflect out of me
for how the light that you shine so brightly with
has infected me and illuminates
everything i do or am around
please don't hurt me.

121814 0209

The word fire is reoccurring
in everything I've posted as of late
because I can think of
no other way to describe
the way my skin feels
after you've touched it in any way
You douse me in flammable
and throw the match down
and I love the burn
and the way you nurse my wounds
with open palms and soft lips
the way you hold me down and force my mouth open
to heave optimism into it and down my throat.
the way the flesh of your cheek gives way
to the lightest touches from my fingertips
is all the inspiration i need for the week

121314 0403

I love the way your hand on my chest
alleviates any stress that has settled
and the way you move a million miles an hour
but still manage to soothe every inch of me
after you have set me on fire.

121014 0031

You run your fingers through me
and untangle the knots underneath my skin
soothing and smoothing.

120814 1132

You pulled flesh from my bones with your teeth

Pulling me away from myself

dizzy from the brain and out

receiving so much at once.

i lay open,

ready to take more even when

it was all taken

because i love the way you pull me apart.

120414 2351

i want to know what lights you on fire
what gets under your skin and stays there
what crosses your mind when
your face hits the pillow
and i want to trace your thoughts
with gentle fingertips
to soothe when they get dark
to understand when they are beautiful

120314 2051

Consuming me, 

soft lights and 

watching the blinds as the sun came up

hands on hips and in hair and all over.

we waste time as if there is no more time to be wasted

twisted around each other and ready 

palms up and open and ready to give

even while receiving. 

you set me on fire and even hours later

i am still burning.

120214 0546

I wake up and it is a struggle to throw my legs over the side of my bed and dig my toes into the carpet. Sometimes I wake up and I look for the orange bottle and realize I decided to live the hard way. Exhaustion comes too early in the day, as if just existing has taken all my energy. Caring for another person when you can barely remember to drink some water is so far from what is supposed to be healthy.

I don't want pity, I never have and I never will... I do ask for understanding and patience. It is hard to stay here when I've been ready to go. I fucking survived, though. Each morning I wake up and get out of bed, I've already won a battle or two. Just by opening my eyes, I've won again. I'm fighting a million battles every day and every day I win them all. So it's okay I'm exhausted. I just have to continue reminding myself that I'm beating it with each step I take. 

12214 0524

You dug your fingers into me 

and strummed me from the inside

in to your elbows 

I felt you drumming on my lungs

knocking the wind out of me

you withdrew your arms so gently

120114 0438

I want to bury myself in all the ways
you look at me when you get out of your car
and the way you watched the motions of my silhouette
against soft streetlights

112514 0409

i'm so sorry.
i'm so sorry for the way i slid my hands
up your back underneath your shirt
i'm so sorry for the way i traced
your lip with my thumb
i'm sorry for letting you twist my hair
i'm sorry for hiking my right leg up
and over your torso,
all over you in my sleep.

i'm sorry for the way i buried my hands in your chest
used your bones as toothpicks

112514 0402

I felt it when I climbed into your bed 

and the sheets were too cold

i woke up alone and staring at you.

too many times i went to kiss you

and your lips were unyielding

god, i fucking wish 

i knew where it went wrong.

i fucking wish i could remember

the single moment where it was set

the moment where there was no going back

no retracing steps.

i could have saved us both.

112514 0401

i wish i could put into words

the way i want to touch you.

112514 0353

you were a lit match
your soul flint and steel
flames that reached up and devoured everything above and around
the lightning that struck too close to home
i was the tinder
i was the old home
fields of dry grass
golden and waiting
you roared through me
destroying what had been previously sown.
thank you

112514 0319

sometimes it hits me so hard
i can't breathe
it is a rubber mallet to the chest
it is so hard to take steps forward
when all i want to do is curl inwards
i take the long way home.

112114 0340

(1)

He is the sudden dip on the edge of the bed,
Sitting down and folding his hands in his lap, staring. I refuse to make eye contact, to acknowledge that he is there. He will place his hand on my thigh, and the coldness of it will make me gasp. Fingers will trail up and graze the hem of my shorts and it will paralyze me. He now has my attention.
He reaches into me with both hands, and I can feel him wrapping my intestines around his wrists, testing their strength and tying them into loose knots. I feel him push my pelvis apart, leaving a gaping emptiness where my loins should be. He has already successfully destroyed half of me this morning. Where once was warmth is a now a still ocean, infinitely dismal.

112214 0451

it builds up in my chest
like a tumor
choking my heartbeats
i want it
so much.

11232014 0107

my shoulders ache to curl inwards
to press into the hollows
where your chest meets your shoulders
my mind can handle the vast space,
but my body cannot.
i yearn to feel palm on palm,
to watch a chest rise and fall.
to wake up and look in the mirror
and see the red spot on my neck where
your chin rubbed my skin raw
i want to trace the indents of sheets on skin,
warm and pink, folded into you.
now, i understand why women wake up in stranger's beds.
it is nice to pretend it means something.

112214 0217

And it's 1 am and i'm screaming in my car
to a song i've loved for years
rolling my head back
and clenching the steering wheel
so hard my knuckles ache
roaring down the highway
the cigarette between my lips
crinkled and bent
i'm ready for a fucking change
i smell like beer and smoke and pot and sweat
and i'm so tired.
my throat hurts and i'm tired.

112014 1747

I'm too drunk
to be thinking about you.

111814 2357

You can't do that.
You can't just set me on fire
and walk away.

111714 0050

wanting.

the way honey bees want
to snuggle between petals
the ferocity of the bee
when his home is threatened.
heart aches as if
it was being held up
and is now trying to
stand on its own
the feeling of existing
without any support
just too much.
sun on skin
tracing veins on eyelids
marveling at how delicate...
lungs sinking into stomach
leaving you breathless
gasping
praying for relief
so take a deep breath.
behind the eyes
needles brushing
against the backs...
you marvel at the way
it is possible for someone
to bury themselves inside you
with no permanence.
it leaves a void
in between your hips
a dull throb
just as a reminder.
every organ takes a beating
the chemistry of my brain
too much for the rest to handle.

111714 0024

when
do
we
let
common
sense
take
precedence
over
our
passions

111514 1629

I crave you
the way the tide craves the shore
the cold embrace of calm waters
the way you never wanted me.

111514 1156

Flesh on flesh
It is both,
the way the stars kiss the sky
and the way the moon dips its way down
early morning
it is the explosion of color
on horizons
and the mourning of
heavy clouds.
you were the storm,
the strike of lightning
and the blinding beauty.
we peeled our skin away.
we promised this would not hurt.

111214 1303

you take my breath away 

the way the moon does the same

when it hits the horizon

and surprises me with

how close it is

you do the very same.

111214 1300

IT IS A SADNESS SO LOUD
THAT YOU HEAR IT COMING
EVEN BEFORE IT'S KNOCKING
AT THE FRONT DOOR.

its a sadness so loud
it is devoid of sound
and you welcome it with open arms
letting it consume you
because you can't handle the silence anymore
and the noise is driving you insane

111214 1251

it is lonely here

but i've done this to myself

i was lonely regardless

the aching in my chest 

when i saw someone look at me 

the way i wished you had.

brand new and beautiful...

i felt neither.

111214 0127

i could sit there and watch the way your pupils

dilate and constrict for hours

i try to match your stare with my own

but i can't look at you when i talk

i'm terrified you'll see too much

111214 0125

when you wake up you feel empty,
as if the weight of the world is on your chest
and you're barely able
to keep yourself from caving in.

111014 0345

Here comes pain you thought you had forgotten
Tearing holes through your lungs
Burying itself behind your eyes
Flaming up and engulfing
The most beautiful rage
The calmest storm.

110914 0257

it was flowers and the brushing of hips

lightly but just enough to spark 

i have never found something as beautiful

as watching someone fall over and over

knowing they would be caught. 

i want to make it right.

110714 0313

i watched the sun set

i sat and waited

and i haven't wept as deeply since

110714 0300

i begged you to choke me

110714 0258

the familiar pull
fluttering somewhere behind rounded bars
legs twisted together
it never ends how you thought it would.

110514 0117

The quiet settles on my chest
Heavier than I remember.
I could lay here forever.

110314 0001

It is the way the clouds reach up

bubbling towards warmth and rays

relieving

the wind's long fingers in your hair

harsh kisses on your cheek

a lover who's hand you cannot hold.

you love them anyways.

110114 0314

when you were younger
you would find pictures and shapes
in the bumpy texture of the ceiling
the light on the fire alarm became the end
of your dad's cigarette
comfort in inanimate objects
make-believe security and endless creativity.

now all you see in between the bumps
are the endless dips and space between
and you've put paper over the light.

110114 0303

you will hate me for this
and i'm not sorry.

110114 0259

bone to bone, to bone.
you rattle me hoping i'm not empty,
hoping i still have something left for you.