i'm so sorry.
i'm so sorry for the way i slid my hands
up your back underneath your shirt
i'm so sorry for the way i traced
your lip with my thumb
i'm sorry for letting you twist my hair
i'm sorry for hiking my right leg up
and over your torso,
all over you in my sleep.
i'm sorry for the way i buried my hands in your chest
used your bones as toothpicks
11.26.2014
11.25.2014
112514 0402
I felt it when I climbed into your bed
and the sheets were too cold
i woke up alone and staring at you.
too many times i went to kiss you
and your lips were unyielding
god, i fucking wish
i knew where it went wrong.
i fucking wish i could remember
the single moment where it was set
the moment where there was no going back
no retracing steps.
i could have saved us both.
112514 0353
you were a lit match
your soul flint and steel
flames that reached up and devoured everything above and around
the lightning that struck too close to home
i was the tinder
i was the old home
fields of dry grass
golden and waiting
you roared through me
destroying what had been previously sown.
thank you
your soul flint and steel
flames that reached up and devoured everything above and around
the lightning that struck too close to home
i was the tinder
i was the old home
fields of dry grass
golden and waiting
you roared through me
destroying what had been previously sown.
thank you
112514 0319
sometimes it hits me so hard
i can't breathe
it is a rubber mallet to the chest
it is so hard to take steps forward
when all i want to do is curl inwards
i take the long way home.
i can't breathe
it is a rubber mallet to the chest
it is so hard to take steps forward
when all i want to do is curl inwards
i take the long way home.
11.22.2014
112114 0340
(1)
He is the sudden dip on the edge of the bed,
Sitting down and folding his hands in his lap, staring. I refuse to make eye contact, to acknowledge that he is there. He will place his hand on my thigh, and the coldness of it will make me gasp. Fingers will trail up and graze the hem of my shorts and it will paralyze me. He now has my attention.
He reaches into me with both hands, and I can feel him wrapping my intestines around his wrists, testing their strength and tying them into loose knots. I feel him push my pelvis apart, leaving a gaping emptiness where my loins should be. He has already successfully destroyed half of me this morning. Where once was warmth is a now a still ocean, infinitely dismal.
He is the sudden dip on the edge of the bed,
Sitting down and folding his hands in his lap, staring. I refuse to make eye contact, to acknowledge that he is there. He will place his hand on my thigh, and the coldness of it will make me gasp. Fingers will trail up and graze the hem of my shorts and it will paralyze me. He now has my attention.
He reaches into me with both hands, and I can feel him wrapping my intestines around his wrists, testing their strength and tying them into loose knots. I feel him push my pelvis apart, leaving a gaping emptiness where my loins should be. He has already successfully destroyed half of me this morning. Where once was warmth is a now a still ocean, infinitely dismal.
11232014 0107
my shoulders ache to curl inwards
to press into the hollows
where your chest meets your shoulders
my mind can handle the vast space,
but my body cannot.
i yearn to feel palm on palm,
to watch a chest rise and fall.
to wake up and look in the mirror
and see the red spot on my neck where
your chin rubbed my skin raw
i want to trace the indents of sheets on skin,
warm and pink, folded into you.
now, i understand why women wake up in stranger's beds.
it is nice to pretend it means something.
to press into the hollows
where your chest meets your shoulders
my mind can handle the vast space,
but my body cannot.
i yearn to feel palm on palm,
to watch a chest rise and fall.
to wake up and look in the mirror
and see the red spot on my neck where
your chin rubbed my skin raw
i want to trace the indents of sheets on skin,
warm and pink, folded into you.
now, i understand why women wake up in stranger's beds.
it is nice to pretend it means something.
112214 0217
And it's 1 am and i'm screaming in my car
to a song i've loved for years
rolling my head back
and clenching the steering wheel
so hard my knuckles ache
roaring down the highway
the cigarette between my lips
crinkled and bent
i'm ready for a fucking change
i smell like beer and smoke and pot and sweat
and i'm so tired.
my throat hurts and i'm tired.
to a song i've loved for years
rolling my head back
and clenching the steering wheel
so hard my knuckles ache
roaring down the highway
the cigarette between my lips
crinkled and bent
i'm ready for a fucking change
i smell like beer and smoke and pot and sweat
and i'm so tired.
my throat hurts and i'm tired.
11.20.2014
11.18.2014
11.16.2014
111714 0050
wanting.
the way honey bees want
to snuggle between petals
the ferocity of the bee
when his home is threatened.
heart aches as if
it was being held up
and is now trying to
stand on its own
the feeling of existing
without any support
just too much.
sun on skin
tracing veins on eyelids
marveling at how delicate...
lungs sinking into stomach
leaving you breathless
gasping
praying for relief
so take a deep breath.
behind the eyes
needles brushing
against the backs...
you marvel at the way
it is possible for someone
to bury themselves inside you
with no permanence.
it leaves a void
in between your hips
a dull throb
just as a reminder.
every organ takes a beating
the chemistry of my brain
too much for the rest to handle.
the way honey bees want
to snuggle between petals
the ferocity of the bee
when his home is threatened.
heart aches as if
it was being held up
and is now trying to
stand on its own
the feeling of existing
without any support
just too much.
sun on skin
tracing veins on eyelids
marveling at how delicate...
lungs sinking into stomach
leaving you breathless
gasping
praying for relief
so take a deep breath.
behind the eyes
needles brushing
against the backs...
you marvel at the way
it is possible for someone
to bury themselves inside you
with no permanence.
it leaves a void
in between your hips
a dull throb
just as a reminder.
every organ takes a beating
the chemistry of my brain
too much for the rest to handle.
11.15.2014
111514 1629
I crave you
the way the tide craves the shore
the cold embrace of calm waters
the way you never wanted me.
the way the tide craves the shore
the cold embrace of calm waters
the way you never wanted me.
111514 1156
Flesh on flesh
It is both,
the way the stars kiss the sky
and the way the moon dips its way down
early morning
it is the explosion of color
on horizons
and the mourning of
heavy clouds.
you were the storm,
the strike of lightning
and the blinding beauty.
we peeled our skin away.
we promised this would not hurt.
It is both,
the way the stars kiss the sky
and the way the moon dips its way down
early morning
it is the explosion of color
on horizons
and the mourning of
heavy clouds.
you were the storm,
the strike of lightning
and the blinding beauty.
we peeled our skin away.
we promised this would not hurt.
11.12.2014
111214 1303
you take my breath away
the way the moon does the same
when it hits the horizon
and surprises me with
how close it is
you do the very same.
111214 1300
IT IS A SADNESS SO LOUD
THAT YOU HEAR IT COMING
EVEN BEFORE IT'S KNOCKING
AT THE FRONT DOOR.
its a sadness so loud
it is devoid of sound
and you welcome it with open arms
letting it consume you
because you can't handle the silence anymore
and the noise is driving you insane
THAT YOU HEAR IT COMING
EVEN BEFORE IT'S KNOCKING
AT THE FRONT DOOR.
its a sadness so loud
it is devoid of sound
and you welcome it with open arms
letting it consume you
because you can't handle the silence anymore
and the noise is driving you insane
111214 1251
it is lonely here
but i've done this to myself
i was lonely regardless
the aching in my chest
when i saw someone look at me
the way i wished you had.
brand new and beautiful...
i felt neither.
111214 0127
i could sit there and watch the way your pupils
dilate and constrict for hours
i try to match your stare with my own
but i can't look at you when i talk
i'm terrified you'll see too much
11.11.2014
111214 0125
when you wake up you feel empty,
as if the weight of the world is on your chest
and you're barely able
to keep yourself from caving in.
as if the weight of the world is on your chest
and you're barely able
to keep yourself from caving in.
11.10.2014
111014 0345
Here comes pain you thought you had forgotten
Tearing holes through your lungs
Burying itself behind your eyes
Flaming up and engulfing
The most beautiful rage
The calmest storm.
Tearing holes through your lungs
Burying itself behind your eyes
Flaming up and engulfing
The most beautiful rage
The calmest storm.
11.09.2014
110914 0257
it was flowers and the brushing of hips
lightly but just enough to spark
i have never found something as beautiful
as watching someone fall over and over
knowing they would be caught.
i want to make it right.
11.07.2014
110714 0258
the familiar pull
fluttering somewhere behind rounded bars
legs twisted together
it never ends how you thought it would.
fluttering somewhere behind rounded bars
legs twisted together
it never ends how you thought it would.
11.04.2014
11.02.2014
110314 0001
It is the way the clouds reach up
bubbling towards warmth and rays
relieving
the wind's long fingers in your hair
harsh kisses on your cheek
a lover who's hand you cannot hold.
you love them anyways.
11.01.2014
110114 0314
when you were younger
you would find pictures and shapes
in the bumpy texture of the ceiling
the light on the fire alarm became the end
of your dad's cigarette
comfort in inanimate objects
make-believe security and endless creativity.
now all you see in between the bumps
are the endless dips and space between
and you've put paper over the light.
you would find pictures and shapes
in the bumpy texture of the ceiling
the light on the fire alarm became the end
of your dad's cigarette
comfort in inanimate objects
make-believe security and endless creativity.
now all you see in between the bumps
are the endless dips and space between
and you've put paper over the light.
110114 0259
bone to bone, to bone.
you rattle me hoping i'm not empty,
hoping i still have something left for you.
you rattle me hoping i'm not empty,
hoping i still have something left for you.
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