013015 0206

I long to bury myself in your arms
where I can listen to what your heart
will whisper to me
when your lips are shut

012315 0240

my heart feels raw

012115 0200

it is so easy to crumble
with self doubt
at 2
when silence is thick like fog

012115 0141

you made the bed you sleep in now
so you smooth out those wrinkles
and you fucking lay in it.

012115 0127

and it is as if someone has reached into my world

and painted the clouds with a heavy brush, 

so low and so beautiful

spilling their oranges and pinks and purples

all over my horizon

someone reached down and wiped my eyes

it is all so clear now

it is no longer the darkness of corners

and the way shadows stretch too far across

the kitchen tile at night

it is now the way the sun casts rays through

trees, 

i no longer see the shadows cast by leaves.

now i see the pattern of the light...

and it is making me wonder

if i laid there long enough would i tan in spots

how beautiful would that be?

to have the pattern of sunlight through leaves

etched on my skin for a few weeks.

god, it's so simple!

i wish i had seen this so long ago.

012015 0022

it is real!!!
we're real and
you're real and i am real
independently we are real
together we are real
and this is real.

it is real.

012015 0014

i guess if i wanted to i could list

a few of the things that make me dizzy...

the way it feels going over 40 through

the intersection of randolph and old oconnor

the feeling of standing straight up

out of complete sleep

because i got reality and dreamworld mixed up

the way your eyes soften at the edges

when i surprise you by saying something sweet

and the way your hair is curly in the very front.

spinning in my kitchen in socks

and a large tshirt when i am home alone.

how warm your hand is on my cheek or

the back of my neck.

the way it feels to run my thumb over the top of yours.

the feeling of falling in my sleep

but waking and turning to bury myself in you

knowing that i am safe regardless.

012015 0011

it feels as though

the cold crawls into my bones

and settles there

and when i bend too far

i snap

and when you wrap yourself

into me 

you thaw me out

and i can bend a little farther.

i can reach a little higher

your hands soothe the ache

and lift simultaneously 

it is so beautiful.

011615 0017

it is the jolt of silence
through my chest and down
my stomach
the way it slows me and time
and you
and the warmth of your mouth
and your chest on my back
your hands on my sides and hips
fingers in my mouth and
around my throat
slow motion

011315 0217

I want you to slide across the tiles with me
socks gathered at the ankles
hair stringy and gathered onto the top of my head
i want sleepy eyes and sloppy hands
on my waist and my back
warmth on my cold skin
i want to be cradled in the sunlight
and i want to smell the way
the grass will get stuck in the hairs on your chest

you make the ocean pour from my mouth
tidal waves pushing my tongue under
before i met you
when i would open my mouth
it was bone dry.

011015 0505

i like the way you
close your eyes and
melt into my open palm
and i love the way
your fingers play in the dips
of my back
i would let you do that all day
if you were willing

011015 0503

i don't ache to be the stitches
or the cast
as if you were ever broken
i ache to be the salve
when something burns
or aches...
i don't want to be your cure
but i want to soothe.

011015 0502

i want to still
the crashing waves
i see in your eyes
i want to run my hands
over your rough waters
and smooth them out.

011015 0458

i sat and watched you

rearrange the letters on the sign

in front of the church 

up the street from your mother's house.

it went from a nice invitation

to come in and share warmth and thought

to something terrible.

you thought it was funny

i watched you do the same thing to yourself

a few months later.

011015 0457

my throat was sore
from begging you
to love me again
so i stopped begging.

011015 0453

you painted me 

with all the colors 

of your watercolor palette

but when you were upset

you dumped your water cup on me

and watched my colors run

i begged you to stop

to catch the colors with your brush

but you watched me drip.

010615 0016

when i stroke your face,
or rub your back,
when i reach into your chest
to cradle your heart,
or into your mind to quiet
negative thoughts,
i touch you gently
for many reasons
mainly because
i need to be handled gently too.
i am far from fragile,
but i am not stable either.
not quite yet.
i need fingertips and open palms
my legs are still shaky,
i'm relearning how to walk.

010615 0014

i think about your couch
and being tangled up in you
entirely too much
the way my eyes were distant
my hair was a mess
and my lips were puffy and bruised
i think about that feeling
and the fact that i still feel it
weeks later
all of the time.