71715 0113

i am drowning in inadequacy.
to be wrapped in sweet nothings and...
and then to have it taken away
stripped of the progress...
i allowed myself to think we had made
i have walked so many extra miles
doubling back on myself time and time again
it feels like all at once
i am beginning to feel
the toll of it all
i don't understand what lesson
the stars are trying to teach me tonight
but i'm tired of being torn apart
right as the glue
from the last time
has finished drying.

sleep is supposed to
speed up the healing process.
but i haven't been able to sleep in days.

07102015 2253

the warmth of your hands
makes me yearn for cold nights
and wool blankets
and how it felt to sit in your car and
talk to you for 5 hours about
next to everything.
if, two years ago,
someone had told me it was possible
to fall for someone so deeply
and still have that feeling every day,
even months later,
i would have shaken my head
and explained that love is work-
that the christmas morning type feeling
goes away after two weeks,
maybe two months if you are lucky
but here we are 7 months later
and i still feel the same,
and even more.
maybe it's easy for me to jump to this
so early because i have never had someone
as supportive and independent,
have never loved someone so reasonable
so personable and outgoing,
with such solid morals,
without imposing any of these onto me.
you hold me with open hands
instead of clenching you lift me up
i know i am not tethered to you,
i know i am free to fly
and because of this i still come back.

070615 2109

sometimes when i wake up

it is like the first step out of bed is

onto broken glass and gravel.

i must remember to fight.

i can choose to wear shoes

or i can wait until the soles of my feel

are tough and calloused and accustomed. 

070615 2104

i was told so long ago

that one day,

i would be able to go weeks

without you crossing my mind.

i had shaken my head at the time,

said it was not possible to forget

fires in the middle of the night

ladybugs on white walls

sleeping in cots in strange houses

but now i find it so hard to recall

the first time you made me cry and

how your voice sounded when

you tried to coax me into your bedroom

and the look in your eyes when i said no.