I have taken time to thank you in the past,
But I want to make it clear one last time.
This is who I am.
I am Ashley. I am seventeen.
This writing,
These simplified thoughts,
(for the most part)
Are me.
They are me when I'm laying in bed,
Staring at my stars,
Staring at my flickering fan,
Staring at the bumps that are constellations on my ceiling.
They are me when I'm sitting on my bathroom floor,
Towel against my face,
Sobbing,
Listening to nothing.
They are me when I'm sitting,
And something hits me,
And I have to write it down.
They are me,
No walls,
No lies,
No dodges.
They are my deepest thoughts compiled into vague sentences that you can take and understand in the way YOU need to understand.
This is who I am,
And if you've read all of my bits,
You know me more intimately than most people I know.
I don't need to worry about a funny face,
Or a recoil when I write here.
I don't need to worry about sympathy or anger.
I don't even know if anyone bothers to read what I've bothered to write.
But if someone does,
Thank you,
For understanding,
And tolerating,
And not telling me I need to be something else.
I am sorry if what I write invokes negative emotions.
I'm sorry if you're disappointed in me,
For all my mistakes.
But this is who I am.
And if you can handle all of this,
And still look at me without disgust,
I love you with every piece of me I can love with.
I need this, and I hope someday
It changes the way you look at something.
I hope you take what I've written and quote me,
Or keep it in your heart,
And remember that you're not alone when you're laying in bed staring at things that mean nothing to anyone but you.
Remember I am doing the same thing.
Remember I come to this when I can't sleep.
Thank you.
9.30.2010
92910 126
I am tired of feeling guilty
For feeling the way I do.
I am tired of telling my friends good news,
And being verbally slapped on the hands.
I am tired of people deciding I should do something,
Or that I'm not meant for my boyfriend,
Or that I need to be there for them right when they need me,
Regardless of how many times I've needed them and they turned away.
For feeling the way I do.
I am tired of telling my friends good news,
And being verbally slapped on the hands.
I am tired of people deciding I should do something,
Or that I'm not meant for my boyfriend,
Or that I need to be there for them right when they need me,
Regardless of how many times I've needed them and they turned away.
92910 131
I can sit alone in public without being embarrassed now,
Even though it used to be my biggest fear.
I am more proud of this than anything I could ever do.
It is significant because now I know I don't need anyone.
I chose to be around the people I am with.
I have no obligation to you.
I have no obligations to any of you.
Even though it used to be my biggest fear.
I am more proud of this than anything I could ever do.
It is significant because now I know I don't need anyone.
I chose to be around the people I am with.
I have no obligation to you.
I have no obligations to any of you.
92910 137
I think my fear of the dark has manifested itself once again.
I am seeing faces where there are none.
I take a step and fall back miles.
I am seeing faces where there are none.
I take a step and fall back miles.
9.28.2010
92610 2315
Do not go back to the mistakes.
Do not be afraid to be alone.
Do not forget me-
We both learned so much.
And I am so, so sorry it ended this way.
I will only cry for you, now.
Not over you.
I am so, so, so, very sorry.
Do not be afraid to be alone.
Do not forget me-
We both learned so much.
And I am so, so sorry it ended this way.
I will only cry for you, now.
Not over you.
I am so, so, so, very sorry.
92610 2314
If he doesn't say something about how beautiful you look tonight I may have to kill him.
I'll miss this in you.
I'll miss this in you.
92610 2312
It feels odd to be happy.
I am not used to this.
The past day we haven't been talking,
I've been happier than I was when we were.
I haven't had to explain myself.
What I used to value in you has become a burden.
I am not used to this.
The past day we haven't been talking,
I've been happier than I was when we were.
I haven't had to explain myself.
What I used to value in you has become a burden.
92610 2311
Make a wish:
I wish I could figure myself out.
If any of you get around to it,
I'd appreciate it if you let me in on the secret.
I wish I could figure myself out.
If any of you get around to it,
I'd appreciate it if you let me in on the secret.
92610 2309
I don't understand this feeling of immense freedom and emptiness.
I'm scared of this vast emptiness where my heart used to be.
What does all of this mean?
I'm scared of this vast emptiness where my heart used to be.
What does all of this mean?
92110 2324
According to psychology,
Emotions only last 12 minutes.
Anything after that is self inflicted.
Makes you think,
Doesn't it?
Emotions only last 12 minutes.
Anything after that is self inflicted.
Makes you think,
Doesn't it?
9.26.2010
92610 2305
I spent a year of my life,
And two summers
On one boy.
Now that I got the chance to have him back,
I don't want him anymore.
I've been waiting for the feeling to come back,
And it just hasn't.
I think it's because I know how it feels to be important to someone,
To be their first option,
To be their only option.
The only downside to letting go,
Is that I have nothing to write about,
No glorious great love,
No happy ending.
Books lie.
And two summers
On one boy.
Now that I got the chance to have him back,
I don't want him anymore.
I've been waiting for the feeling to come back,
And it just hasn't.
I think it's because I know how it feels to be important to someone,
To be their first option,
To be their only option.
The only downside to letting go,
Is that I have nothing to write about,
No glorious great love,
No happy ending.
Books lie.
9.21.2010
91910 228
I wish that I could convey
How happy you make me to you...
You're always looking to make things better,
When there's nothing to fix.
That's probably why I like you so much.
For once I have someone who's eager to do what I need,
And it's nice,
But it leaves me wondering what more I could do too.
How happy you make me to you...
You're always looking to make things better,
When there's nothing to fix.
That's probably why I like you so much.
For once I have someone who's eager to do what I need,
And it's nice,
But it leaves me wondering what more I could do too.
9.20.2010
92010 213
I'm better than I thought I would be.
I'm very,
Very proud of myself.
I shook,
I cried like a baby.
But I have a new life now.
I have a new beautiful boy,
Who treats me so amazing,
And makes me so proud to be me.
That's more than you could do.
Goodbye.
I'm very,
Very proud of myself.
I shook,
I cried like a baby.
But I have a new life now.
I have a new beautiful boy,
Who treats me so amazing,
And makes me so proud to be me.
That's more than you could do.
Goodbye.
92010 154
You asked me for advice...
All I can tell you is
What you forced me to believe.
Don't be afraid to be alone.
All I can tell you is
What you forced me to believe.
Don't be afraid to be alone.
92010 154
You came back.
Finally, you came back.
Two days after I got rid of you completely.
But I will not give in.
You are dead to me.
Finally, you came back.
Two days after I got rid of you completely.
But I will not give in.
You are dead to me.
91910 311
I'm not sure how many times
I've laid here staring at the ceiling
Thinking about little things here and there,
And suddenly I remember something,
Something small
That didn't mean anything at the time.
Then suddenly,
I realize the reason behind it,
And I take a deep, sharp breath,
And whisper "oh, you bastard."
Even if these conclusions aren't true,
It's made me realize-
I never really knew you.
I'm better off without you.
I've laid here staring at the ceiling
Thinking about little things here and there,
And suddenly I remember something,
Something small
That didn't mean anything at the time.
Then suddenly,
I realize the reason behind it,
And I take a deep, sharp breath,
And whisper "oh, you bastard."
Even if these conclusions aren't true,
It's made me realize-
I never really knew you.
I'm better off without you.
92010 201
I do miss you,
I won't lie.
But I don't miss us.
I do want to be friends.
I won't lie.
But you asked me to do what's best for me.
I appreciate your selflessness.
But who am I kidding?
You were probably just looking to get laid.
I won't lie.
But I don't miss us.
I do want to be friends.
I won't lie.
But you asked me to do what's best for me.
I appreciate your selflessness.
But who am I kidding?
You were probably just looking to get laid.
9.18.2010
91810 1213
It seems to me I've made a mistake.
I should have taken my time
Throwing you out.
Instead I did it on an impulse,
And I can't help but wish I'd taken time to be upset over it.
I should have taken my time
Throwing you out.
Instead I did it on an impulse,
And I can't help but wish I'd taken time to be upset over it.
91710 101
It's not that my boyfriend isn't making me happy,
Or that anything is going wrong.
Everything is fine.
I just don't want to be around anyone.
I want to be left alone,
In the quiet,
In the dark.
So I can take a deep breath and listen to the world sleep.
Or that anything is going wrong.
Everything is fine.
I just don't want to be around anyone.
I want to be left alone,
In the quiet,
In the dark.
So I can take a deep breath and listen to the world sleep.
91710 058
I think I'm depressed,
I find no joy
In anything.
As soon as I get home,
I go to my room,
I lay down,
And I think.
Yet I can't get enough time alone.
I don't even know how to ask for help.
Or if I should even bother to ask for help.
I find no joy
In anything.
As soon as I get home,
I go to my room,
I lay down,
And I think.
Yet I can't get enough time alone.
I don't even know how to ask for help.
Or if I should even bother to ask for help.
91710 055
Have you ever met someone
That you instantly clicked with?
You automatically felt
That you could do great things with them?
That you instantly clicked with?
You automatically felt
That you could do great things with them?
91510 2341
I wrote a lot tonight.
I have a lot running through my mind.
Between the tears and the sickness,
I'm not sure why.
I have a lot running through my mind.
Between the tears and the sickness,
I'm not sure why.
91510 2340
Chill.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
It's going to be okay.
Everything happens for a reason.
What's meant to be will always find it's way.
Smile, it can't be that bad.
This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
It's going to be okay.
Everything happens for a reason.
What's meant to be will always find it's way.
Smile, it can't be that bad.
This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
91510 2337
I want to get rid of the ring.
I'm sure you threw yours out.
I want it to feel liberating.
A last hurrah.
I don't know why I held on so long.
It doesn't even fit anymore.
I think I'll put it in the ditch,
Where we sat all the time.
It's fitting.
It's where we spent all our time.
And it's where everything ended.
I'm sure you threw yours out.
I want it to feel liberating.
A last hurrah.
I don't know why I held on so long.
It doesn't even fit anymore.
I think I'll put it in the ditch,
Where we sat all the time.
It's fitting.
It's where we spent all our time.
And it's where everything ended.
91510 2333
I miss the comfort I was able to draw from you.
I would have met you by now.
You'd be small and in my arms.
And I'd smile down at you.
And I'd never need anything or anyone else.
You felt so happy with me.
I can't wait to feel you again.
But I want to give you everything in the world.
So we must both be patient.
I would have met you by now.
You'd be small and in my arms.
And I'd smile down at you.
And I'd never need anything or anyone else.
You felt so happy with me.
I can't wait to feel you again.
But I want to give you everything in the world.
So we must both be patient.
91510 2322
I wonder how it is to be deaf.
They're never overwhelmed with sound.
They never have to wake up to parents screaming,
Or sirens wailing.
They don't have to hear someone tell them they don't love them anymore.
You can't shut your ears.
But you can shut your eyes.
They're never overwhelmed with sound.
They never have to wake up to parents screaming,
Or sirens wailing.
They don't have to hear someone tell them they don't love them anymore.
You can't shut your ears.
But you can shut your eyes.
91510 2320
I sat in the ditch today.
I looked over all the memories in my hands.
I took a deep breath.
In.
Out.
I'm going to get rid of the ring.
I looked over all the memories in my hands.
I took a deep breath.
In.
Out.
I'm going to get rid of the ring.
91510 2318
I need something to do with my time.
I want to draw,
To create,
But I don't know what to draw.
I want to write,
But the words aren't coming out clearly.
I want to read,
But it doesn't hold my attention.
I want to play a game,
I get frustrated or bored.
I don't want to do anything here.
I want to get out and just drive somewhere far away with someone.
No talking.
No music.
Just open windows,
And open road.
I want to draw,
To create,
But I don't know what to draw.
I want to write,
But the words aren't coming out clearly.
I want to read,
But it doesn't hold my attention.
I want to play a game,
I get frustrated or bored.
I don't want to do anything here.
I want to get out and just drive somewhere far away with someone.
No talking.
No music.
Just open windows,
And open road.
91510 2316
I am done.
You are dead to me.
The you I once knew
Is gone.
All that is left is a pencil top.
You are dead to me.
The you I once knew
Is gone.
All that is left is a pencil top.
9.16.2010
91710 100
I remember vividly,
The day my father accused me of being depressed.
I was happier back then than now.
Now I'm just better and looking and sounding okay.
The day my father accused me of being depressed.
I was happier back then than now.
Now I'm just better and looking and sounding okay.
9.15.2010
9.14.2010
91410 2026
I hate my friends.
This can hardly be healthy.
Lately I don't want to be around anyone.
I just want to sit outside and listen.
I want to hear the leaves rustle,
And the dogs bark,
And the cars buzz past.
I want things to be simple again.
This can hardly be healthy.
Lately I don't want to be around anyone.
I just want to sit outside and listen.
I want to hear the leaves rustle,
And the dogs bark,
And the cars buzz past.
I want things to be simple again.
91410 936
I'm not sorry I met you.
I'm not sorry we did what we did.
I'm not sorry I gave my all to you.
I'm not sorry for being so gullible.
I am sorry that you left.
I am sorry I wouldn't let go.
I'm not sorry we did what we did.
I'm not sorry I gave my all to you.
I'm not sorry for being so gullible.
I am sorry that you left.
I am sorry I wouldn't let go.
91310 2336
Have you noticed
That optimistic tone in my writing lately?
Have you noticed I'm writing
Less about pain and more about sunshine?
Have you noticed that I'm getting better?
That optimistic tone in my writing lately?
Have you noticed I'm writing
Less about pain and more about sunshine?
Have you noticed that I'm getting better?
91310 123
I love the way the sun feels on my face.
I love the way I can see green veins
In my closed, red eyelids.
I love the way I lose track of what's happening,
And how much time has passed when I'm kissing you.
I love the way golden brown hair looks in the morning sun.
I love the way it feels to roll over in bed,
And into someone's arms.
I love the way nails feel when they gently brush my skin.
I love the way it feels to have a hand wound in my hair during a passionate kiss.
I love the way it feels to curl up under your comforter on a cold morning.
I love the way it feels to press cold toes to a warm leg.
But what I love most of all...
I love the way that I have healed so completely,
that I can appreciate these things.
Even when they aren't mine.
I love the way I can see green veins
In my closed, red eyelids.
I love the way I lose track of what's happening,
And how much time has passed when I'm kissing you.
I love the way golden brown hair looks in the morning sun.
I love the way it feels to roll over in bed,
And into someone's arms.
I love the way nails feel when they gently brush my skin.
I love the way it feels to have a hand wound in my hair during a passionate kiss.
I love the way it feels to curl up under your comforter on a cold morning.
I love the way it feels to press cold toes to a warm leg.
But what I love most of all...
I love the way that I have healed so completely,
that I can appreciate these things.
Even when they aren't mine.
91310 117
Perhaps,
That star was right.
Perhaps I was afraid that you were done.
Perhaps I was afraid you'd let me go.
But after thinking about this,
After losing sleep over this,
And yes,
After crying over this,
I've concluded I am okay.
I don't need you anymore.
I don't want you anymore.
I am at ease.
My heart doesn't ache.
And I'm not bitter anymore.
That star was right.
Perhaps I was afraid that you were done.
Perhaps I was afraid you'd let me go.
But after thinking about this,
After losing sleep over this,
And yes,
After crying over this,
I've concluded I am okay.
I don't need you anymore.
I don't want you anymore.
I am at ease.
My heart doesn't ache.
And I'm not bitter anymore.
91110 2327
People do change for the best.
Always.
I think that maybe,
People who you think changed for the worst,
Changed for the best for someone else.
Always.
I think that maybe,
People who you think changed for the worst,
Changed for the best for someone else.
91410 2024
You skyrocketed away.
You found another galaxy.
But you never left me that stardust.
Promises aren't all you broke,
You know.
You found another galaxy.
But you never left me that stardust.
Promises aren't all you broke,
You know.
9.12.2010
91310 122
One day you too will wake up,
And realize you didn't have as many friends
As you thought you did.
It's sad to realize
That those you thought were close,
Are actually just as distant
As the rest of the world.
And realize you didn't have as many friends
As you thought you did.
It's sad to realize
That those you thought were close,
Are actually just as distant
As the rest of the world.
9.11.2010
91110 145
I'd like to thank you,
God.
For not letting me see his face.
I just don't understand
Why I had to see him at all.
I shouldn't have gone.
God.
For not letting me see his face.
I just don't understand
Why I had to see him at all.
I shouldn't have gone.
9910 2309
Today,
You made me smile so big it hurt.
I haven't smiled like that...
In a very long time.
Thank you.
You made me smile so big it hurt.
I haven't smiled like that...
In a very long time.
Thank you.
9810 2346
It is a little silly
That I'm so scared to walk around in my own home
Because I'm afraid you'll be waiting around the corner.
I don't want you to come back.
I wish she hadn't told me.
That I'm so scared to walk around in my own home
Because I'm afraid you'll be waiting around the corner.
I don't want you to come back.
I wish she hadn't told me.
9.06.2010
9510 2357
You took a perfectly innocent girl,
And tore that away from her.
How selfish,
You stole something you can't even use.
And tore that away from her.
How selfish,
You stole something you can't even use.
9510 2350
While I miss feeling so comfortable that I could be disgusting whenever I wanted,
I have missed feeling important even more.
I'm getting what you gave me,
And I'm getting what you refused to give me.
I feel wanted,
And pretty,
And worth something.
And I deserved that.
I've deserved feeling like this
All along.
It took almost two years for me to realize-
I AM worth something.
I AM worth the effort.
I'm not as filthy,
Or as ugly,
Or as worthless as you made me feel.
And I can have friends,
And a boyfriend
At the same time.
I have missed feeling important even more.
I'm getting what you gave me,
And I'm getting what you refused to give me.
I feel wanted,
And pretty,
And worth something.
And I deserved that.
I've deserved feeling like this
All along.
It took almost two years for me to realize-
I AM worth something.
I AM worth the effort.
I'm not as filthy,
Or as ugly,
Or as worthless as you made me feel.
And I can have friends,
And a boyfriend
At the same time.
9.05.2010
952010 2346
I'm letting myself fall for him,
And it's happening.
And it scares me.
And I can't imagine feeling
How I felt for that hourglass man
For this boy.
And it's happening.
And it scares me.
And I can't imagine feeling
How I felt for that hourglass man
For this boy.
9.04.2010
9310 130
I promise you,
Everything does work out
How it's supposed to.
Every tear you've shed
Has it's own purpose.
Ever flower needs some water to bloom.
Everything does work out
How it's supposed to.
Every tear you've shed
Has it's own purpose.
Ever flower needs some water to bloom.
9.02.2010
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